Friday, December 12, 2003
Annals of Impotence--Dick Cheney, Man With a Big.....Gun: The gun-happy Veep can't do much to take out Osama from his secure, undisclosed location. But one of the perks of being first-in...I mean second-in command of the NRA-loving Bush Administration is that he is free to slaughter....birds. And not wild, juking, fast-flying, hard-to-shoot birds, but fat, slow, pen-raised pheasant. Which is exactly what Cheney did on a visit this week to the Rolling Rock Club in Ligonier, PA, arriving in the early morning hours with a massive security detail, his favorite shotgun and a Humvee. There, Cheney and 9 buds (energy lobbyists? Halliburton fuel-scammers?) blasted away at about 500-farm-raised birds that were released for their killing pleasure. My grandfather used to hold pheasant shoots on his farm in New Jersey, and I can tell you that downing a confused, overstuffed bird that has just been kicked out of a crate is about as difficult as hitting the Goodyear Blimp. There's almost zero sport, though plenty of bang-bang, in it. In short, it's very, very lame. So it comes as no surprise that Cheney and his gang managed to down about 417 of the birds, with the Veep bagging more than 70 himself (in a shoot like this you normally stand with a loader at your side and you literally blast away continuously as the birds fly overhead). You'd think that would be enough cordite to keep any man feeling big, but after a lazy lunch Cheney headed out to the fields again to blow away some ducks. Predictably, Cheney's little outing has sparked outrage from the Humane Society. Ohh Pammy, we've got another case for you.........
Dead and Dying Birds Everywhere: "Damn you, Dick Cheney, I was eating subsidized corn meal every day and my tax cut was just about to kick in......"
Dead and Dying Birds Everywhere: "Damn you, Dick Cheney, I was eating subsidized corn meal every day and my tax cut was just about to kick in......"
"Right Way" Joyon Update--Another Day, Another Ocean: Francis Joyon has now passed south of the Cape of Good Hope, at South Africa's southern tip. This is the first of the Great Capes Joyon will leave to port in his non-stop tour of the globe. That means he is now in the Indian Ocean, and his next milestone will be Cape Leeuwin, on Australia's southwest corner. So far, Joyon and his 90-foot trimaran IDEC are putting up an astounding, incredible run, sailing from the English Channel to Good Hope in just 19 Days 20.5 Hours. That is the third fastest time EVER recorded for this passage, which means that Joyon--alone--is sailing faster than all but two of the fully crewed multihulls (which carry up to 13 sailors) that have competed for the round-the-world record over the past decade. Holy Merde! And as for the singlehanders--zut!--he is more than a week ahead of Michel Desjoyeaux's Vendee Globe time. Joyon now has the Southern Ocean to contend with--which means storms, storms and more storms--and there are many, many miles to go before he is safely home to France. But if Joyon can stay lucky with the weather and keep IDEC from flipping or falling apart, he is on his way to a truly unbelievable performance.....
"Uh-Oh. Now the scary part begins........"
"Uh-Oh. Now the scary part begins........"
Thursday, December 11, 2003
Annals of Animaldom--Must Have Been a Slow Day: Spanish Search and Rescue authorities are either very hungry or don't have enough to do. Their latest miracle mission consisted of....rescuing a wild boar from the sea off the Costa Brava coast. Okay, someone initially thought the boar was a very hairy human, and the rescue services swung into action. But the boar, which had been swimming an impressive 2 days (surely a wild boar record) strenuously resisted rescue and seemed to be headed for the Balearic Islands, which are well known for a kick-ass partying scene. After the boar was safely back ashore on the mainland, the authorities earnestly reported that he was hypothermic but otherwise alright. But who really knows. It's a boar. And maybe it was thinking "Goddammit, it took me two days to get that far and now I have to start all over."
"Dude, I was almost there."
"That may be, warthog, but we really needed a Christmas roast....."
(Photo: AFP)
"Dude, I was almost there."
"That may be, warthog, but we really needed a Christmas roast....."
(Photo: AFP)
Annals of Oops--Got Fuel?: Australian adventure pilot Jon Johanson has flown around the world in two directions, and over the North Pole. This week, he bagged the South Pole as well, flying from new Zealand and becoming the first solo pilot to fly over the South Pole in a fixed wing, single-engine aircraft....with a red stripe, and an even registration number (well, not the last two, but records are getting more narrowly defined every day). All was going well except for one minor problem: headwinds slowed him up, so he didn't have enough fuel to fly back to New Zealand or Argentina. Instead, Johanson landed at the US/New Zealand operated McMurdo Base, hoping to cadge some fuel to get home. The answer: no fuel giveaway this week...or any other week. He only needs about 90 gallons, but the eggheads at the base are playing hardball because they don't want any other poorly organized adventurers dropping in without a plan. "He appears to have gone in there without a search and rescue plan and without a contingency plan if things go wrong, and he's expecting the New Zealand and United States Governments to pick up and be his contingency," sniffed one of the base managers. Instead the base has offered to fly Johanson out and ship his plane later (at his expense). That's cold (pun intended) but I'm with McMurdo on this one. Maybe Johanson can ask for a rubber band........
Stranded at McMurdo: And it's a very long, very cold swim.....
Stranded at McMurdo: And it's a very long, very cold swim.....
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Annals of Ouch--Ozzy Wipes Out: Let's see....take an incoherent, drug-addled, over-the-hill rocker who has a recently announced 42-pill-a-day habit, stick him on an All Terrain Vehicle (ATV), and cut him loose without adult supervision...What do you get? Ozzy Osbourne with six broken ribs, a broken collarbone and a fractured neck. The former Black Sabbath singer survived ("this is not a problem," his doctor declared...delusional or super-cool medico?), and is expected to recover whatever motor skills he still had going at the time of the accident. ATVs are the land-based analog of the noxious and evil jet-ski. So thanks, Ozzy, for making them look like a really bad way to tear up the yard. I wonder if "The Osbournes" cameras were rolling.....
Ozzy Comments: "Sprkk ukug jh kqg l uoouh!"
Ozzy Comments: "Sprkk ukug jh kqg l uoouh!"
"Wrong Way" VDH Update--Into the Pacific!: VDH rounded the Horn in style, with the wind behind him. Now he's rocketing along thanks to a storm system to his north. Most unusual conditions, but it's his 10th rounding and fourth stab at this record, so maybe he deserves a little luck.
Here's his report:
"Well we’ve made it. We’re now in the Pacific Ocean. I rounded the Horn this morning at 12 minutes past midnight CET. It took me 32 days, 11 hours and 50 minutes to get down there, which already sets a little record, as I made it in faster time than on my previous attempts.
As I went around it, I was 5 days, 21 hours and 25 mins ahead of the time set by Philippe Monnet. Henceforth, in order to measure my lead, I shall be establishing it in degrees of longitude, as now the aim is to get as far west as possible.
For the moment, I’m zooming along and in the right direction. Since yesterday, I’ve had a steady 35-40 knot wind, but as I am on a beam reach, I’ve lowered the mainsail and am just using the genoese. I even rolled that up a bit before nightfall, as with the seas getting rougher and rougher, we’re starting to slide along on huge surfing waves at up to 30 knots. As a precautionary measure, I therefore brought in a little sail to limit this surfing.
These incredible conditions should last for another 15 hours or so, which is really great!"
Bye-Bye Atlantic: "Shit, now I just have to bash my way into the wind and seas for the next 10,000 miles...."
Here's his report:
"Well we’ve made it. We’re now in the Pacific Ocean. I rounded the Horn this morning at 12 minutes past midnight CET. It took me 32 days, 11 hours and 50 minutes to get down there, which already sets a little record, as I made it in faster time than on my previous attempts.
As I went around it, I was 5 days, 21 hours and 25 mins ahead of the time set by Philippe Monnet. Henceforth, in order to measure my lead, I shall be establishing it in degrees of longitude, as now the aim is to get as far west as possible.
For the moment, I’m zooming along and in the right direction. Since yesterday, I’ve had a steady 35-40 knot wind, but as I am on a beam reach, I’ve lowered the mainsail and am just using the genoese. I even rolled that up a bit before nightfall, as with the seas getting rougher and rougher, we’re starting to slide along on huge surfing waves at up to 30 knots. As a precautionary measure, I therefore brought in a little sail to limit this surfing.
These incredible conditions should last for another 15 hours or so, which is really great!"
Bye-Bye Atlantic: "Shit, now I just have to bash my way into the wind and seas for the next 10,000 miles...."
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
"Wrong Way" VDH Update--Approaching Cape Stiff and Hoping To, Errr, Get Lucky: Jean Luc Van Den Heede is about to pass a major milestone in his backwards, non-stop, lap of the planet: Cape Horn (Cape Stiff is what the old salts in the clipper days used to call it, since the winds are usually blowing so, umm, hard). He's got a five day lead on current record holder Philippe Monnet (see chart below), and may even get a free pass in to the Pacific Ocean, courtesy of a highly unusual easterly wind forecast for tomorrow. (For a gripping tale that captures the difficulty and stratospheric stress of trying to round Cape Horn from east to west when the prevailing westerlies are howling, read Jack London's short story "Make Westing;" it's little known, but one of his best). So far, however, VDH couldn't have written a better script for his record attempt. And here's what he has to say as the big moment approaches:
"I've gone by the Falklands, and tomorrow I shouldn't be far from the Lemaire Straits, as they are only 185 miles away. I was going along rather nicely upwind in a WSW wind, and then, this morning it came around to the South, which wasn't very helpful. Then I was becalmed, which was even worse. I had taken in two reefs on the solent in a 35-knot wind, and now I've raised everything again, but I've only got 4 knots of wind left. If I'm going to make the Lemaire Straits tomorrow, the wind is going to have to pick up again.
It's amazing how what I feel is so affected by the wind. Even if I have 5 and a half days' lead over Philippe, I still want Adrien to sail along well, and above all, I don't want to miss the short period of easterly wind, which should allow me to round the Horn downwind. There's only a 2% chance of picking up an Easterly in this area, and it would be quite something if I get there at exactly the right moment. I'm keeping my fingers crossed."
Approaching the End of a Perfect Atlantic Run (VDH in Red; Monnet in Black)
"I've gone by the Falklands, and tomorrow I shouldn't be far from the Lemaire Straits, as they are only 185 miles away. I was going along rather nicely upwind in a WSW wind, and then, this morning it came around to the South, which wasn't very helpful. Then I was becalmed, which was even worse. I had taken in two reefs on the solent in a 35-knot wind, and now I've raised everything again, but I've only got 4 knots of wind left. If I'm going to make the Lemaire Straits tomorrow, the wind is going to have to pick up again.
It's amazing how what I feel is so affected by the wind. Even if I have 5 and a half days' lead over Philippe, I still want Adrien to sail along well, and above all, I don't want to miss the short period of easterly wind, which should allow me to round the Horn downwind. There's only a 2% chance of picking up an Easterly in this area, and it would be quite something if I get there at exactly the right moment. I'm keeping my fingers crossed."
Approaching the End of a Perfect Atlantic Run (VDH in Red; Monnet in Black)
Annals of Achievement--New American Record For Sitting Around In Space: In space, they can't hear you scream...of boredom. American astronaut Michael Foale, currently camped out in the International Space Station, has now spent more than 231 days of his life in the black void. It took Foale six missions to earn this distinction, and the old record holder, astronaut Carl Walz, was kind enough to call. Foale's magnaninous reply (astronauts are not known for a lack of ego): "Carl, that's awfully big of you to come along and grovel like this on radio." Okay, he was joking and he has nothing on the Russians when it comes to hanging around in crappy space vehicles contemplating the cosmos, because the Russian--and world--record is 748 days. Don't think Foale is crazy enough to go for that one. He and crew-mate Alexander Kaleri are due back on terra firma next April.....
"I love zero gravity....Know what I mean, Alexi?"
"Get your hand off my ass, Comrade."
(Photo: Space.Com)
"I love zero gravity....Know what I mean, Alexi?"
"Get your hand off my ass, Comrade."
(Photo: Space.Com)
Monday, December 08, 2003
Annals of Inanity--It Floats...But For How Long?: Is there anywhere Americans won't take their Recreational Vehicles? Meet the Terra Wind, an amphibious motor home. Questions. First and foremost: Why, why why? Second: Does the cable connection still work? Third: What happens when it gets hit by a motorboat wake? And last but not least: What sort of moron would pay $1.2 million for this highway-hogging Titanic?
"This sure beats the ferry.....Hey, honey, is that microwave popcorn ready yet?"
(Source: Terra Wind)
"This sure beats the ferry.....Hey, honey, is that microwave popcorn ready yet?"
(Source: Terra Wind)
Annals of Achievement--Inside Finian Maynard's Head: Last week windsurfer Finian Maynard set a new windsurfing speed record of 46.24 knots. That's roughly the highway speed limit and Maynard was oh so close to breaking the outright speed sailing record set by Yellow Pages Endeavour in 1993. What was it like out there in 30-40 knots of wind on the canal known as the French Trench? Here's Finian's description:
"The very short boards plane early so I popped up out of the water and got situated for the run. What happened next I will never forget. As soon as I sheeted in, there was an enormous rush through my whole body. I must have accelerated to 44 knots in about 3-4 seconds and I entered the run with speed. Lots of speed. Right out of bed and straight into this. Crazy. I got a big 40 knot puff in the middle and another towards the end. It felt as though I was still accelerating when I crossed the finish and I almost went straight into the bank at the end. I looked back and deciphered ’45.8kts’ from the scoreboard. Wow, the windsurfing record on my first run. I ran and almost fell over twice trying to get to the van as quickly as possible. I got back to the start (takes roughly 11-15 min.) and got to see Erik´s crash. He was alright but was wobbly from hitting his head. I felt bad because this was for sure his best looking run of the MOS and maybe a UK record. The rest of his day was tough mentally so he focused his energy towards me and gave me some valuable advice.
My next two runs (44.96,43.90) were not windy as the wind had backed off just a touch. At about 10am, the wind started to look promissing again. I missed the gust on run 4 and posted a 44.12. It was run 5 that I will never forget. I timed the wind right this time as there are little cycles that come through that are maybe 3-5 knots more. I entered the start with massive speed and was holding on tight. It felt like I wasn’t touching the water at all and Thierry´s caddy told me afterwards that the run was ’hot’ meaning fast I guess. About 125 meters from the finish I unexpectedly spun out, completely letting go the fin. I managed to pull it back in, re-accelerate and went through the finsh. I looked back in horror to see ’44.57 knots’. My God. That was maybe Yellow Pages right there. Maybe I reached ’super-cavitation’?.
With re-newed energy, it was straight back to the start. These runs take a lot of energy. The forces working against you one can feel through every part of the body. You can’t hide from the force of the wind.
Run 6 was a 45.01. I missed the cycle again. It is not easy at all to see what is happening on the course from the starting end. Unlike the tropics, the gusts are invisable with the brownish haze on top of the Canal water. So, Pascal took it upon himself when I was back to the start to kick us into action. He shouted that David had just done a 45 and the wind was good on the course.
I immediately reacted before the others and went for it. To be honest, this run did not feel the fastest but it was the smoothest from start to finish. The wind was consistent in it’s force down the entire course. I got a little wind shadow at the finish but I was ecstatic to break 46kts and post a 46.24. Now this was getting serious. I was in the zone and was ready to break the outright record on my next run. Going up in the van, Sandra fed me bananas and water to stop the slight cramping I was experiencing.
The next run will be stuck in my mind for a while. I took off and was so powered on my 5.5 and big board (the combination of all the previous runs). All the way down the course, I was thinking of nothing but keeping it all together. This one was a fast one and I knew it. Faster than the previous run. About 100m from the finish, I got what I can only describe as a ’speed wobble’. My board lifted, rounded up into the wind slightly and I was forced to sheet out. At this moment my board whipped back around and somehow didn’t spin-out getting back on track for the finish. I almost hit the end again and I looked back to see ’45.6’.
That one was it if you consider we are talking less than half a second difference to the record. I then watched David come down the course with committment and super speed in great conditions. It was a clean run and he posted a 45.5 to break the French record. He was very happy and sailed very well. Hats off to him.
After that, I finally switched to my medium 34 board/medium 22 fin but it was too late. The rain came in and it came hard. I did one run right in the middle of the white squall and posted a 44.34 with my face underneath my arm in order to see anything. This board felt great and I was already regretting not taking her in the record setting moments from just before. Erik had told me to switch as soon as I plateau with the times but this was already afterwards. Next time.
The wind never came back. Although being over the moon about what had already been accomplished, I was disappointed in the two runs that were not clean that could definitely have been better than the fastest one of the day.
Maybe it is a lesson that YP will not be broken so easily."
Sounds like some serious fun.......
"Hmmmm, I wonder how to stop this thing......"
"The very short boards plane early so I popped up out of the water and got situated for the run. What happened next I will never forget. As soon as I sheeted in, there was an enormous rush through my whole body. I must have accelerated to 44 knots in about 3-4 seconds and I entered the run with speed. Lots of speed. Right out of bed and straight into this. Crazy. I got a big 40 knot puff in the middle and another towards the end. It felt as though I was still accelerating when I crossed the finish and I almost went straight into the bank at the end. I looked back and deciphered ’45.8kts’ from the scoreboard. Wow, the windsurfing record on my first run. I ran and almost fell over twice trying to get to the van as quickly as possible. I got back to the start (takes roughly 11-15 min.) and got to see Erik´s crash. He was alright but was wobbly from hitting his head. I felt bad because this was for sure his best looking run of the MOS and maybe a UK record. The rest of his day was tough mentally so he focused his energy towards me and gave me some valuable advice.
My next two runs (44.96,43.90) were not windy as the wind had backed off just a touch. At about 10am, the wind started to look promissing again. I missed the gust on run 4 and posted a 44.12. It was run 5 that I will never forget. I timed the wind right this time as there are little cycles that come through that are maybe 3-5 knots more. I entered the start with massive speed and was holding on tight. It felt like I wasn’t touching the water at all and Thierry´s caddy told me afterwards that the run was ’hot’ meaning fast I guess. About 125 meters from the finish I unexpectedly spun out, completely letting go the fin. I managed to pull it back in, re-accelerate and went through the finsh. I looked back in horror to see ’44.57 knots’. My God. That was maybe Yellow Pages right there. Maybe I reached ’super-cavitation’?.
With re-newed energy, it was straight back to the start. These runs take a lot of energy. The forces working against you one can feel through every part of the body. You can’t hide from the force of the wind.
Run 6 was a 45.01. I missed the cycle again. It is not easy at all to see what is happening on the course from the starting end. Unlike the tropics, the gusts are invisable with the brownish haze on top of the Canal water. So, Pascal took it upon himself when I was back to the start to kick us into action. He shouted that David had just done a 45 and the wind was good on the course.
I immediately reacted before the others and went for it. To be honest, this run did not feel the fastest but it was the smoothest from start to finish. The wind was consistent in it’s force down the entire course. I got a little wind shadow at the finish but I was ecstatic to break 46kts and post a 46.24. Now this was getting serious. I was in the zone and was ready to break the outright record on my next run. Going up in the van, Sandra fed me bananas and water to stop the slight cramping I was experiencing.
The next run will be stuck in my mind for a while. I took off and was so powered on my 5.5 and big board (the combination of all the previous runs). All the way down the course, I was thinking of nothing but keeping it all together. This one was a fast one and I knew it. Faster than the previous run. About 100m from the finish, I got what I can only describe as a ’speed wobble’. My board lifted, rounded up into the wind slightly and I was forced to sheet out. At this moment my board whipped back around and somehow didn’t spin-out getting back on track for the finish. I almost hit the end again and I looked back to see ’45.6’.
That one was it if you consider we are talking less than half a second difference to the record. I then watched David come down the course with committment and super speed in great conditions. It was a clean run and he posted a 45.5 to break the French record. He was very happy and sailed very well. Hats off to him.
After that, I finally switched to my medium 34 board/medium 22 fin but it was too late. The rain came in and it came hard. I did one run right in the middle of the white squall and posted a 44.34 with my face underneath my arm in order to see anything. This board felt great and I was already regretting not taking her in the record setting moments from just before. Erik had told me to switch as soon as I plateau with the times but this was already afterwards. Next time.
The wind never came back. Although being over the moon about what had already been accomplished, I was disappointed in the two runs that were not clean that could definitely have been better than the fastest one of the day.
Maybe it is a lesson that YP will not be broken so easily."
Sounds like some serious fun.......
"Hmmmm, I wonder how to stop this thing......"
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