Friday, January 09, 2004
Annals of Adventure--Fossett Is Wide Open: Steve Fossett, Wetass Extraordinaire, is a very busy guy. Yesterday he took time out from his preparations for an attempt on the outright round-the-world sailing record in his 125-foot maxi-cat "Cheyenne" so he could unveil the Virgin Atlantic Global Flyer, the wild and wacky jet airplane in which Fossett hopes to become the first pilot to solo non-stop around the world. Fossett will attempt the flight--which is being sponsored by his ballooning buddy, Sir Richard Branson--either in April or November of this year, depending on how flight testing goes. Here are the particulars (click here for the full story):
"Virgin Atlantic GlobalFlyer is a single pilot, single engine turbofan aircraft specifically designed for one mission -- a non-stop global circumnavigation. Fuel load, weight and strength are paramount. The main structure is constructed entirely from advanced composite materials and the aircraft can carry more than four times its own weight in fuel -- enough to power the specially designed Williams FJ44-3 jet engine for the entire flight. At take off the plane (including fuel and pilot Fossett) will weigh 22,006 lbs. Less than 80 hours and some 23,000 miles later, it will have shed 18,000 lbs. of fuel to land near its dry weight of a little under 4,000 lbs. Virgin Atlantic GlobalFlyer will fly at altitudes up to 52,000 feet and travel at speeds in excess of 250 knots (287 mph, 463 kph)."
Fossett always has something ridiculously challenging cooking. For the moment, however, his focus is on the Jules Verne attempt, which is the ultimate speed sailing record. Fossett and his 12-man crew--who will start and finish in the English Channel--are currently on standby, watching a favorable weather pattern which may send them off next week. The current record is 64 days, 8 hours, and 37 minutes. And to make it all the more interesting, there is a similar-sized French trimaran--"Geronimo," skippered by Olivier De Kersauson--which may set out at the same time. Now that would be a drag race worth watching. Please, Olivier, please. Stand by....
GlobalFlyer: "Uhh, Richard, do you really think I'm going to fit into that little bubble?"
"Virgin Atlantic GlobalFlyer is a single pilot, single engine turbofan aircraft specifically designed for one mission -- a non-stop global circumnavigation. Fuel load, weight and strength are paramount. The main structure is constructed entirely from advanced composite materials and the aircraft can carry more than four times its own weight in fuel -- enough to power the specially designed Williams FJ44-3 jet engine for the entire flight. At take off the plane (including fuel and pilot Fossett) will weigh 22,006 lbs. Less than 80 hours and some 23,000 miles later, it will have shed 18,000 lbs. of fuel to land near its dry weight of a little under 4,000 lbs. Virgin Atlantic GlobalFlyer will fly at altitudes up to 52,000 feet and travel at speeds in excess of 250 knots (287 mph, 463 kph)."
Fossett always has something ridiculously challenging cooking. For the moment, however, his focus is on the Jules Verne attempt, which is the ultimate speed sailing record. Fossett and his 12-man crew--who will start and finish in the English Channel--are currently on standby, watching a favorable weather pattern which may send them off next week. The current record is 64 days, 8 hours, and 37 minutes. And to make it all the more interesting, there is a similar-sized French trimaran--"Geronimo," skippered by Olivier De Kersauson--which may set out at the same time. Now that would be a drag race worth watching. Please, Olivier, please. Stand by....
GlobalFlyer: "Uhh, Richard, do you really think I'm going to fit into that little bubble?"
Annals of Enormity 3--Size Matters: At least to Joe Vittoria, former Chairman and CEO of Avis. He's just launched the largest sailing sloop ever built, Mirabella V, which measures in at a "does anyone really need a boat this big?" 246 feet and 8 inches. The numbers are ridiculous. M5 is almost 100 feet longer than the next largest super-sloop, has a mast that is 300 feet high, and when Vittoria is not aboard getting his jollies from having the biggest hull in the harbor she'll charter for a mere $200,000 a week. We're talking excess, excess, excess. Do you think this guy drives a Hummer?
Mother of God, that thing is HUGE.....
Mother of God, that thing is HUGE.....
Annals of Oops--Tow, Tow, Tow Your Boat: Apparently, next time your powerboat breaks down you SHOULD NOT ask a passing helicopter for a tow. Why not? Click here to find ouch (thanks to Trey)...
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Annals of Exploration: Guess what? Mars is red...and arid...and empty. Thanks, NASA. Now how about something really cool, like that moon base President Bush keeps going on about.....
(Photo: Uhhh, NASA?)
(Photo: Uhhh, NASA?)
Annals of Enormity 2--Carpe Carp: According to Newsweek, giant fish can actually pose a danger: you might get smacked upside the head by one. Giant Asian carp were brought to the US in the 1970s to control algae at catfish farms. Predictably, they escaped, or were thrown into a waterway, or were flushed down a toilet (actually this last one seems unlikely given that they are up to 4 feet long and weigh up to 100 pounds). Now, they are patrolling the Illinois, Missouri and Mississippi rivers, scarfing up the vegetation and plankton which native born species rely on for food, and are ever so steadily headed toward the Great Lakes. That could be an environmental disaster. But what got Newsweek interested? Last fall, an Illinois woman on a Jet Ski got popped between the eyes by a jumping 10-pounder and knocked cold (apparently, the carp find the Jet Ski engine noise as annoying as the rest of the sane population). See, you shouldn't f@*k with Mother Nature...
"Ok, Charlie, I'll knock her into the water and you rip her bikini off......"
"Ok, Charlie, I'll knock her into the water and you rip her bikini off......"
Wetass Trivia: What's the largest living thing on earth? It doesn't have four legs and it doesn't swim. Oh yeah, it's also pretty old. Click here to see it.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
Annals of Enormity--Frankenfish: Americans, it seems, just want everything to keep getting bigger: cars, homes, steaks, breasts...even the fish they catch. And out in California--according to the LA Times--anglers are hauling in whopping big lake trout. Predictably, these trout, which weigh close to 30 pounds and are dropping state records with depressing regularity, are not freaks of nature. Instead, they are freaks of man, genetically engineered at a California trout farm to raise the self-esteem of lame anglers who believe size is everything. The extra-large, extra-wide fish are the spawn of a mad genius named Phil Mackey, who zaps dividing trout eggs to produce an extra set of chromosomes, which renders the fish sterile. That in turn, means trout that grow faster and bigger because they are not wasting time and energy chasing after girlie trout (hmmm, what does that say about all the couch potatos out there....). Unfortunately, it also means that they are way too big for their fins and extremely sluggish. In short, they are not much in the way of game fish. That doesn't seem to deter plenty of record-seeking fisher-losers from paying to get a chance to land one. But it drives traditional anglers like Ralph Cutter to spew contempt. "The angler who proudly boasts his conquest over a 'Frankenfish' is the wet equivalent of the great white hunter who shoots a Siberian tiger from the back of a pickup on a Texas game farm," he says. The frankenfish are sterile so they can't corrupt natural species. But in addition to the fact that this kind of shit only convinces penile enlargement spammers that there is a vast and willing audience out there in America, some how, some way, this warped genetic experiment is going to go very, very wrong (though if Mackey could engineer his Schwarzenn-trout so that eating them would render the angler equally sterile, it might pose a pretty interesting trade-off). Say, Phil.......
Test-Tube Trout: "It's not my fault I'm so obese. I never knew my mother, I can't get laid, and I'm genetically predisposed to Super Size my fries...."
(Photo: Robert Gauthier/LA Times)
Test-Tube Trout: "It's not my fault I'm so obese. I never knew my mother, I can't get laid, and I'm genetically predisposed to Super Size my fries...."
(Photo: Robert Gauthier/LA Times)
Monday, January 05, 2004
A New Day, A New Year: So what the hell has been going on for the past three weeks? Let's see......
Annals of Aussieness--Outback Parenting: Croc Hunter Steve Irwin has launched the New Year on a spectacular Wetass note, prompting howls of outrage and shock from the "Lock-Em up Until They Are 20" crowd, by taking his one-month old son to his first croc feeding. In an attempt to initiate baby Bob in the family trade (The Croc Hunter named his son Bob?...Bob? You'd think Irwin would come up with a more imaginative name, say "Gator," or perhaps "T-Bone" (yes, Seinfeld fans, you got the reference)), Irwin held his tyke in one arm while feeding a 13-foot croc a chicken with the other. Imagine, cried the Oh-No Crowd, the baby was ONE METER from a crocodile's mouth. "This kid has to grow up to be croc savvy," a defiant Irwin shot back. Well, if it was Michael Jackson doing the dangling I'd worry about it. But Irwin has been around enough crocs to know what's dangerous and what's not. All the stunt really demonstrates is that the cautious grimacing and exaggerated care Irwin takes during his show is pretty much a put-on. I mean, when the kid's own mother doesn't object (she was right there), how dangerous can it really be?
"That's it, Stevie-boy. Left hand, baby...right hand, chicken...left hand, baby...right-hand, chicken."
"That's it, Stevie-boy. Left hand, baby...right hand, chicken...left hand, baby...right-hand, chicken."
Southern Ocean Update--Go VDH, Go: Well, while I was sitting on my ass in warm sun, Wrong-Way VDH was stoically grinding his way across the Southern Ocean, braving storm force winds, and dodging ice bergs. He's two months into his voyage, and so far, so good. His beloved "Adrien" is holding together well, he hasn't suffered any major catastrophes...and he's kicking ass. Right now he is 15 days ahead of Phillipe Monnet's record pace, cruising south of New Zealand (see chart, VDH in red) while Monnet was still getting his brains beaten in by the Pacific Ocean. VDH still has more than 12,000 miles to go, but he's looking good....
Unfortunately, the Indian Ocean (coming up next) is notoriously rough.....
Unfortunately, the Indian Ocean (coming up next) is notoriously rough.....
Southern Ocean Update 1--Joy to Joyon: Meanwhile, Francis Joyon, going the other way in his trimaran IDEC is also well on his way to obliterating the solo round-the-world record (going the sane way). He is into the Pacific, headed for Cape Horn, and passed VDH (though they did not manage to rendevous) last week. If current form holds, the solo records going both ways could fall at the same time. Joyon has covered almost two-thirds of the course (more than 17,000 miles) in just 44 days. He's got to get home in under 93, which seems certain if his boat doesn't fall apart, and has a shot at being the first solo sailor to break the Jules Verne 80-day mark. Holy merde.....
South of Tasmania: Van Den Heede, you bastard, we're both cold and wet. But at least I'll be home a month sooner..."
South of Tasmania: Van Den Heede, you bastard, we're both cold and wet. But at least I'll be home a month sooner..."
Annals of OOPS--Polar Farce (Update): And......the Polar First Mission--flying pole to pole in a helicopter, sleeping in 5 star hotels whenever possible. I didn't like it then (scroll down) and I don't like it now. Apparently, the Antarctic gods felt the same way. On December 20, pilots Jennifer Murray and Colin Bodill augured into the ice 120 miles north of Patriot Hills, on the northern edge of the Ronne Ice Shelf. Bad weather. Bad Karma. Thankfully, Murray and Bodill survived the crash (well, I didn't hate the concept of this expedition THAT much...), and were airlifted to Punta Arenas, Chile. Bodill fractured a vertebra and Murray dislocated an elbow. Hope they didn't squash any penguins. Their next mission should be to go clean up the fuel and twisted metal they have now littered across the ice shelf....
Bodill Does Maintenance: "This should be tight enough...I think. Now, where did I put that beer?"
Bodill Does Maintenance: "This should be tight enough...I think. Now, where did I put that beer?"
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