Friday, April 09, 2004
Have A Wetass Week (And A few Days More)...
Because I am out of here until April 19th, to a place that has sun, surf and no phones. If you are so bored at work that you need a diversion, any diversion, feel free to drop in on "Pig Brother" --a runaway online German reality show in which you can follow the comings and goings of a pack of boars on the web ("Pig Brother"...Get it?). Okay, the Germans are getting weird again. Anyhow, click here to check out the pig vid highlights, and here to watch "Pig Brother" live (just remember Germany is 5 hours ahead of EST, and the live web cam is not very interesting in the dark)...
Papa Pig: "F*ck that lazyass Tim. We're here every day, so come hang with us for a while and watch us do some crazy pig sh*t..."
Because I am out of here until April 19th, to a place that has sun, surf and no phones. If you are so bored at work that you need a diversion, any diversion, feel free to drop in on "Pig Brother" --a runaway online German reality show in which you can follow the comings and goings of a pack of boars on the web ("Pig Brother"...Get it?). Okay, the Germans are getting weird again. Anyhow, click here to check out the pig vid highlights, and here to watch "Pig Brother" live (just remember Germany is 5 hours ahead of EST, and the live web cam is not very interesting in the dark)...
Papa Pig: "F*ck that lazyass Tim. We're here every day, so come hang with us for a while and watch us do some crazy pig sh*t..."
Thursday, April 08, 2004
Wetass Sport #52--Ice Golf: Yup, ice golf. And last weekend the Drambuie World Ice Golf Championships took place in Norway...inside the Arctic circle. Ice golf has the same rules as non-ice golf, but, well, it's a bit different. Drives don't run very far, golfers play in sub-sub-freezing temps, the balls are orange, and instead of the usual lame golf attire--what is it about plaids and plus-fours?--we're talking ski goggles, balaclavas and mittens. Hazards: frostbite, crevasses, too much Jaegermeister. Winning score at the championship: 12 over par. Say, isn't Elin from the Arctic regions? Come on Tiger, you wimp....
"This is an easy putt, but what the f*ck am I going to do about the polar bear sitting on the next tee...."
"This is an easy putt, but what the f*ck am I going to do about the polar bear sitting on the next tee...."
The Last Photo I Ever Took...: Newly appointed TWC Assistant Editor Dave Ross (Multimedia/Torts) is taking his duties seriously, and sent in a series based on this theme. Two of the best:
"Ooops..."
"Oh shit..."
"Ooops..."
"Oh shit..."
JV Jumble--Geronimo Is Around The Horn: Olivier De Kersauson and his crew, frozen, frustrated and French, finally rounded Cape Stiff yesterday, and are headed north in the Atlantic. They passed this last major milestone in their voyage about 10 hours ahead of Orange 2002, but 48 hours behind Cheyenne's world record pace. Here's a handy-dandy little travelogue from the Geronimo website:
"At sea off the coast of Patagonia in 1840, you would have seen a landscape dotted with crosses. Every bay and every headland had its graveyard. Twenty seafaring nations had lost entire crews here. The Bretons were the most numerous in these terrible latitudes and hold the sad record for the most shipwrecks. In the waters off the well-named Desolation Island, it is still possible occasionally to see the top yardarms of sunken 3-masters standing above the waves like symbolic crucifixes..."
At least Geronimo didn't become one of them...
Fossett (Red) Is Way Ahead...
"At sea off the coast of Patagonia in 1840, you would have seen a landscape dotted with crosses. Every bay and every headland had its graveyard. Twenty seafaring nations had lost entire crews here. The Bretons were the most numerous in these terrible latitudes and hold the sad record for the most shipwrecks. In the waters off the well-named Desolation Island, it is still possible occasionally to see the top yardarms of sunken 3-masters standing above the waves like symbolic crucifixes..."
At least Geronimo didn't become one of them...
Fossett (Red) Is Way Ahead...
Killer Kayaking In Kern (California): For kayakers, it is an annual whitewater "wazoo," 165 miles northeast of Los Angeles. To a local sheriff, according to the LA Times, it is "a series of drownings just waiting to happen." What the hell are they talking about? The annual Kern River Festival, where hundreds of kayakers will converge for three days, starting April 16, to slalom, freestyle and frolic in the Kern River's big water and waterfalls. They'll do their best to stay alive. But they'll also be partying their asses off....
"Funny. This worked a lot better when I practiced it in my swimming pool...."
"Funny. This worked a lot better when I practiced it in my swimming pool...."
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
Sorry, No Posts Today...
Out on assignment....
Out on assignment....
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
TWC Quick Hits...:
Norwegian Wetass Sets World Record For Free Diving Under Ice: Gets to 50 meters beneath ice that is 1.8 meters thick. But TWC is unimpressed and wants to know why diving under ice is special...Do you have to chew your way through? Or is it just darker?
Aussie Walking Sheepdog On Beach Finds Giant (Dead) Leatherback Turtle: Local soup kitchens engage in frenzied bidding war over 1,000 pounder....
Renewed Seal Clubbing Enrages Environmentalists: Canadian Fisheries and Oceans Ministry deftly denies cruelty, saying "the seal reacts like a chicken when you cut off its neck. It seems to be trying to swim away but its brain is clinically dead and its heart is not beating anymore." Leonardo DiCaprio and Paris Hilton unconvinced. Take up cause...
"Oooh, I'm going to get out there and protest those meanies...just as soon as I finish editing some video."
Norwegian Wetass Sets World Record For Free Diving Under Ice: Gets to 50 meters beneath ice that is 1.8 meters thick. But TWC is unimpressed and wants to know why diving under ice is special...Do you have to chew your way through? Or is it just darker?
Aussie Walking Sheepdog On Beach Finds Giant (Dead) Leatherback Turtle: Local soup kitchens engage in frenzied bidding war over 1,000 pounder....
Renewed Seal Clubbing Enrages Environmentalists: Canadian Fisheries and Oceans Ministry deftly denies cruelty, saying "the seal reacts like a chicken when you cut off its neck. It seems to be trying to swim away but its brain is clinically dead and its heart is not beating anymore." Leonardo DiCaprio and Paris Hilton unconvinced. Take up cause...
"Oooh, I'm going to get out there and protest those meanies...just as soon as I finish editing some video."
Jules Verne Showdown--So, Geronimo, Whaddaya Got?: The Cheyenne crew is showered, hungover in the extreme, and still savoring their 58-day record. Down in the misery of the Southern Ocean, the only threat to their record this year--Olivier De Kersauson's Geronimo--is lining up to round Cape Horn. So where does Geronimo stand? When we checked yesterday, De Kersauson was whipped, humbled and whining following the seemingly endless pasting he and his crew have received courtesy of the Pacific Ocean. If De Kersauson is lucky, he'll get around Cape Horn in a little over a day, which would put him around Cape Horn more than 41 days after his start. Fossett got there in under 40, so the big trimaran will be about two days behind and chasing Cheyenne all the way up the Atlantic. Seeing as Cheyenne sailed from the Horn to the Equator, and then the Equator to the finish, faster than any boat ever before, TWC rates De Kersauson's chances of besting his American rival at close to zero. But you never know, so we'll keep an eye on him. De Kersauson is still about a day ahead of Orange 2002--though that lead may disappear by Cape Horn--so he is still in the running for the Jules Verne Trophy. Fossett refused to pay the roughly $30,000 Jules Verne extortion fee so he holds the world record without holding the Jules Verne Trophy (world speed sailing is now about to turn into professional boxing, with multiple titles). So if Geronimo can beat Orange 2002 home De Kersauson will be able to claim the Jules Verne Trophy. But how meaningful will that be if he doesn't break Fossett's world record? TWC's answer: about as meaningful as a warm bucket of spit....
"I'm cold, I'm wet, I'm slow...and that f*cking American just stole the world record. Merde!"
"I'm cold, I'm wet, I'm slow...and that f*cking American just stole the world record. Merde!"
Monday, April 05, 2004
TWC Breaking News: Cheyenne is safely across the finish. Time to circle the globe non-stop: 58 days, 9 hours 32 minutes 45 seconds, which crushes the old record by almost six days. Incredible. Here's Fossett, who just bagged the record he considers the most important record in sailing:
"The past 24 hours were slow at first but improving winds became very strong by the time we crossed the line with 2 reefs and staysail it was very dramatic we had ours hands full - around this island the tides were whirling. Everyone is just so happy we are all emotionally drained.
When we started out I thought the chance was 50/50 that we would get around. Then I wondered that the boat might not be fast enough…”
Guess it was fast enough and durable enough (barely). And that could be enough to hang onto the record for a good chunk of time, because approaching Cape Horn, Olivier De Kersauson is sounding like a beaten man: "Tacking to reach the Horn ..., it's like a bad dream. It's no good, there's no sense to it. It's no longer competition. It'll all end in us taking another beating, under three reefs and the storm jib. The reality is that being anywhere is better than being on Geronimo today!"
Fossett and his crew are now pointing the big cat towards Plymouth 120 miles on, arriving this evening. Mothers of Plymouth, lock your daughters up now....
Fossett Is Fastest: "Phew, we're across the line. Say, Dave, is that "For Sale" sign ready yet?"
"The past 24 hours were slow at first but improving winds became very strong by the time we crossed the line with 2 reefs and staysail it was very dramatic we had ours hands full - around this island the tides were whirling. Everyone is just so happy we are all emotionally drained.
When we started out I thought the chance was 50/50 that we would get around. Then I wondered that the boat might not be fast enough…”
Guess it was fast enough and durable enough (barely). And that could be enough to hang onto the record for a good chunk of time, because approaching Cape Horn, Olivier De Kersauson is sounding like a beaten man: "Tacking to reach the Horn ..., it's like a bad dream. It's no good, there's no sense to it. It's no longer competition. It'll all end in us taking another beating, under three reefs and the storm jib. The reality is that being anywhere is better than being on Geronimo today!"
Fossett and his crew are now pointing the big cat towards Plymouth 120 miles on, arriving this evening. Mothers of Plymouth, lock your daughters up now....
Fossett Is Fastest: "Phew, we're across the line. Say, Dave, is that "For Sale" sign ready yet?"
Lunch Is Served...: Another sidesplitting vid clip from Assistant TWC Editor (Movies and Pretzels) Dave Ross...
Click to Download (Windows Media Player required)
"Damn that was tasty, though I've got some bark stuck between my teeth..."
Click to Download (Windows Media Player required)
"Damn that was tasty, though I've got some bark stuck between my teeth..."
Masters of Speed--Oh So Close...: Finian Maynard and his merry band of windsurfing speed freaks had another big day at the French Trench late last week. The six windsurfers are out to break Yellow Pages Endeavour's sailing speed record of 46.52 knots and came within a hair (again) of doing it. The six windsurfers ripped off 140 runs over ten hours, in winds that built to 38 knots. Maynard had the top run at 46.20 knots, and is convinced that if the best winds hadn't come at the end of the day (when the sailors were so tired they could barely grip their booms) the record would be back in a windsurfer's hands. Top instantaneous speeds hit 48-49 knots (the record is an average speed over 500 meters), so these guys were f*cking flying. Maynard guarantees that they will break the record sometime soon, and he is dead serious. The team has just installed lights at the canal so they can sail in the dark if they have to. Fifty knots on a windsurfer, at night. Hmmm....
Maynard at 46 Knots: "We've been trying to break this stupid record for months, and is it just me, or are my arms getting longer?"
(Photo: Jean Souville)
Maynard at 46 Knots: "We've been trying to break this stupid record for months, and is it just me, or are my arms getting longer?"
(Photo: Jean Souville)
Cheyenne...Almost...Done: After 58 days of high speed sailing, the thirteen crew aboard Cheyenne are finally approaching the finish. Even if they lost the rig now, they could probably drift over the line in time to break the record. But if they manage to hang onto it they should go from racing to celebrating around noon EST today, which would be a monster time of 58 days 10 hours. They'd be home even faster if they hadn't run into an unforecast light air bubble off the coast of France last night, which slowed them down big time overnight. Dave Scully had a novel, and accurate, I think, assessment of what was happening:
"I believe that these micro depressions probably form on concentrations of plans and ideas of what one will do when one finishes. The rising hot air generated by the discussion of these ideas sucks up cold surface air, disrupting gradient wind flow, creating dense fog, and dampening expectations. They are generally brief in duration, but may interact with larger scale circulation to create progressively later and later arrival times. (for more information, look up "Temporal and Spatial Ambiguities Triggered by the Approaching Finish of Long Distance Sailing Events", by the same author.)"
The big cat is back up to speed now, and the crew is naturally speculating on life after sailing. Brian Thompson, who has gone through this transition many, many times, points out one very odd effect:
"It will be interesting to see how it feels to be back on dry land after 58 days at sea. Normally the only really strange experience is being a passenger in a car; the speed, the silence and the smoothness is very bizarre. When the car goes over 30 miles an hour you can find yourself reaching out for the mainsheet traveller, ready to ease, but you can't find it.."
So don't go driving with Brian for a few days. Look for an update when this thing is in the bag.....
Hail Cheyenne, Fastest Boat On The Planet (For Now)
"I believe that these micro depressions probably form on concentrations of plans and ideas of what one will do when one finishes. The rising hot air generated by the discussion of these ideas sucks up cold surface air, disrupting gradient wind flow, creating dense fog, and dampening expectations. They are generally brief in duration, but may interact with larger scale circulation to create progressively later and later arrival times. (for more information, look up "Temporal and Spatial Ambiguities Triggered by the Approaching Finish of Long Distance Sailing Events", by the same author.)"
The big cat is back up to speed now, and the crew is naturally speculating on life after sailing. Brian Thompson, who has gone through this transition many, many times, points out one very odd effect:
"It will be interesting to see how it feels to be back on dry land after 58 days at sea. Normally the only really strange experience is being a passenger in a car; the speed, the silence and the smoothness is very bizarre. When the car goes over 30 miles an hour you can find yourself reaching out for the mainsheet traveller, ready to ease, but you can't find it.."
So don't go driving with Brian for a few days. Look for an update when this thing is in the bag.....
Hail Cheyenne, Fastest Boat On The Planet (For Now)
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