Friday, May 28, 2004
Have A Wetass Weekend...
(Photo by Ben Chandler via WetDawg)
(Photo by Ben Chandler via WetDawg)
It's A Cruel, Cruel World--Especially If You Are A Gray Whale Calf: Monterey Bay is a beautiful, undulating body of water. It also features a deep-water canyon which gray whales migrating from Baja to Alaska must cross on their annual pilgrimage. This is a geographic note that seems to have become well understood by the ever crafty Orca, or killer whale. The result is that Monterey Bay is transformed every Spring into "Ambush Alley," a grisly tableau in which normally uplifting, heartwarming whale-watching is turned into a brutal and grisly battle, for life and death, on the open ocean. Here, according to the San Francisco Chronicle, is the scene that Mother Nature recently served up to a boatload of surprised whale watchers, as a pack of six killer whales attacked an 8-ton gray whale calf and its mother:
"As whale watchers looked on with a mixture of awe and sadness, mother killer whales -- the most experienced hunters -- took turns ramming head- first, like 6-ton torpedoes, into the calf's soft underbelly, their force nearly knocking it out of the water, while others leapt atop the 20-foot baby, trying to drown it.
"It's the greatest predation event on Earth,'' said Richard Ternullo, a killer whale researcher and co-owner of Monterey Bay Whale Watch, who witnessed the battle during one of the company's daily whale watching tours. "It's 100 tons of whales crashing together."
The battle lasted two and a half hours, and the excited squeals of the killer whales eventually drew in a total of 17 Orcas. But they were battling one tough Momma gray whale. Fighting valiantly to protect her calf she eventually led the bruised and bleeding baby into shallow water, where the Orcas would not venture. Fifteen other calves haven't been so lucky. But read the whole article. It's full of amazing information about the intelligence and adaptability of California's killer whales. There must be a movie in here somewhere...
Orca vs. Gray Whale Smack-Down: It's not looking good for the kid, who's trying to find safety on his mother's back...
"As whale watchers looked on with a mixture of awe and sadness, mother killer whales -- the most experienced hunters -- took turns ramming head- first, like 6-ton torpedoes, into the calf's soft underbelly, their force nearly knocking it out of the water, while others leapt atop the 20-foot baby, trying to drown it.
"It's the greatest predation event on Earth,'' said Richard Ternullo, a killer whale researcher and co-owner of Monterey Bay Whale Watch, who witnessed the battle during one of the company's daily whale watching tours. "It's 100 tons of whales crashing together."
The battle lasted two and a half hours, and the excited squeals of the killer whales eventually drew in a total of 17 Orcas. But they were battling one tough Momma gray whale. Fighting valiantly to protect her calf she eventually led the bruised and bleeding baby into shallow water, where the Orcas would not venture. Fifteen other calves haven't been so lucky. But read the whole article. It's full of amazing information about the intelligence and adaptability of California's killer whales. There must be a movie in here somewhere...
Orca vs. Gray Whale Smack-Down: It's not looking good for the kid, who's trying to find safety on his mother's back...
Annals of Eccentricity--Shoot 'Em Up: The American love affair with guns knows no bounds. But to experience a true orgy of firearms--outside of the gang life in major urban areas--you have to check in with the Single Action Shooting Society out in Yorba Linda, Ca. Boasting 60,000 members, the SASS is where cowboy wannabes go to dress up in vintage cowboy gear and blast away with vintage American guns...lots and lots of guns. Everyone gets a badge and a nickname (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a member and goes by the moniker of "Trinidad Slim"). Why do they do this? The LA Times' Christopher Reynolds goes to find out, and turns in a great feature that tries to get to the bottom of yet another charismatic American subculture:
"All of this makes the unarmed among us marvel. Never mind the psychology of that first gun. What is there in the second or third or 300th to love so much? What is it about cowboys? What turns a lawman into an outlaw? And what am I doing here, squeezing off shots under a midday sun? I draw one .357 from the right holster, another from the left. Then I grab, load and fire a rifle, and then a 110-year-old Winchester lever shotgun, its metal hot as a griddle. The gun smoke curls, the shells dance in the dirt."
Reynolds meets pistol-packin' Molly McRuger, "Graybeard" Itchkawich, and a guy named "Coyote Bait." He blasts away with a pistol, rifle and shotgun, and impresses himself by hitting 27 out of 30 targets in 205 seconds. Until a man named (of course) "Tex" steps up and, the shots ringing out like "keystrokes from a touch typist," knocks the same targets down with the same guns in just 45 seconds. Gulp. I wonder what 'ol Tex does for a day job...
Molly McRuger: How would you like to wake up and find this woman cooking your eggs...?
(Photo: LA Times/Chris Reynolds)
"All of this makes the unarmed among us marvel. Never mind the psychology of that first gun. What is there in the second or third or 300th to love so much? What is it about cowboys? What turns a lawman into an outlaw? And what am I doing here, squeezing off shots under a midday sun? I draw one .357 from the right holster, another from the left. Then I grab, load and fire a rifle, and then a 110-year-old Winchester lever shotgun, its metal hot as a griddle. The gun smoke curls, the shells dance in the dirt."
Reynolds meets pistol-packin' Molly McRuger, "Graybeard" Itchkawich, and a guy named "Coyote Bait." He blasts away with a pistol, rifle and shotgun, and impresses himself by hitting 27 out of 30 targets in 205 seconds. Until a man named (of course) "Tex" steps up and, the shots ringing out like "keystrokes from a touch typist," knocks the same targets down with the same guns in just 45 seconds. Gulp. I wonder what 'ol Tex does for a day job...
Molly McRuger: How would you like to wake up and find this woman cooking your eggs...?
(Photo: LA Times/Chris Reynolds)
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Wetass Gear Garage--EasyGlider: F*ck the Segway. It's too complex, too heavy, and too expensive. Typical American overengineering. And when you want precise engineering, who do you go to? The Swiss, of course. So if you are so damn lazy that you can't bother to walk anywhere anymore, the folks in lederhosen have just the thing for you (due out in October): the EasyGlider, which is basically a big electric wheel that weighs just 22 kilograms, can travel up to 35 kilometers on a single charge, and will cost around $1000. You just strap on your in-line skates, hop on your skateboard, or use the EasyGlider wheeled platform (not shown), and off you go. No word on the top speed yet, or cornering ability. But I can already see the Segway-EasyGlider Death Match in which two obese lazy-assess try to knock each other down, or race their personal transporters from Paris to Dakar...
"The only problem with this thing is that there is no place to hang fuzzy dice..."
(Thanks to Tricia Weight, TWC Assistant Editor (Oddball Inventions/Morale), for the tip)
"The only problem with this thing is that there is no place to hang fuzzy dice..."
(Thanks to Tricia Weight, TWC Assistant Editor (Oddball Inventions/Morale), for the tip)
TWC Quick Hits...:
Wild Manatee Orgy In Florida Bay Attracts Gawkers And Causes Massive Traffic Jam: "They're not that social usually." Ashcroft takes time off from war on terror to launch investigation ...
Territorial Swans Shock Town By Killing Dogs: Drown two little yappers before canines bring in Rottweiler to try and even the score...
Scientists Discover Sticky Hippo Sweat Acts As Perfect Natural Sunscreen And Anti-Bacterial Agent: Hollywood celebs already seen driving baby hippos home in their SUVs...
"This is such a great gig. I lie around in the mud, and every half hour Angelina Jolie gets naked and rubs her body all over me..."
Wild Manatee Orgy In Florida Bay Attracts Gawkers And Causes Massive Traffic Jam: "They're not that social usually." Ashcroft takes time off from war on terror to launch investigation ...
Territorial Swans Shock Town By Killing Dogs: Drown two little yappers before canines bring in Rottweiler to try and even the score...
Scientists Discover Sticky Hippo Sweat Acts As Perfect Natural Sunscreen And Anti-Bacterial Agent: Hollywood celebs already seen driving baby hippos home in their SUVs...
"This is such a great gig. I lie around in the mud, and every half hour Angelina Jolie gets naked and rubs her body all over me..."
Annals Of Achievement--Jannu Conquered: Hail to the Russians! Yesterday, two exhausted, freezing, climbers scrabbled up the last few meters of stubborn rock and stood at the top of Jannu. They were the first ever to arrive there via the unyielding 3000 meter face on the north side, and in doing so polished off one of the greatest team climbing feats in the history of Himalayan adventure. For the full context, the full skinny on why this is such a kickass achievement, check out this wrap-up over at Explorer's Web. Simply put, there are a lot of experts who consider scaling the north face of Jannu--which is akin to going up El Capitan at 22,000-feet plus--the most difficult climbing problem in the Himalaya. A lot of great climbers have tried it, but none could withstand the onslaught of exhaustion, bad weather and flying rocks. All these factors made this particular climb a transcendent climb, something really special that puts to shame all those tourists trudging up the fixed ropes on Everest. According to Ex Web:
"French climbing ace Pierre Béghin attempted a route up the center of the north face in 1982. "It was the most moving experience I had ever had in the Himalaya because of the harshness of the wall," he later wrote. "None of us had ever seen such a cold, steep face."
Except perhaps those other crazy Russians over on Everest's North Central Wall...
"I'm trying to pretend I'm in the sun on El Cap at Yosemite, but I can't feel any of my toes..."
"French climbing ace Pierre Béghin attempted a route up the center of the north face in 1982. "It was the most moving experience I had ever had in the Himalaya because of the harshness of the wall," he later wrote. "None of us had ever seen such a cold, steep face."
Except perhaps those other crazy Russians over on Everest's North Central Wall...
"I'm trying to pretend I'm in the sun on El Cap at Yosemite, but I can't feel any of my toes..."
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Annals of Adventure--Open Water Kiteboarding: It was only a matter of time before the kiteboarding world started to get off the beach and head for the deep ocean. And last weekend, three Cali kiteboarders (Chip Wasson, Steve Gibson, and Jeff Kafka (almost a great name, Dude)) strapped in and made the 28-mile crossing from the Farralon Islands, off San Francisco, to the Golden Gate. Winds blew from 12-28 mph, and the passage was made in exactly two hours, so they were ripping along. There are reports of kiteboarders sailing from Florida to Cuba, and Catalina Island to Long Beach. But this one had a particular twist, aside from the frigid water and strong winds: the Farralon Islands are a noted shark breeding ground, and popular hangout for Great White sharks. Were the kiteboarders worried about becoming wetsuited chum? "Sharks were definitely a consideration," deadpanned expedition coordinator Steve Gibson. "But sharks can't fly and kiteboarders can." Great line. I wonder how long it will take some Frenchman to set out to kiteboard the Atlantic? There's a whole world of new records just waiting to be conquered...
"It's true sharks can't fly, but it's also true I have to come down eventually. Sh*t, better try to feed that big b*stard down there my board first..."
(Photo: Clay Rogers/Red Bull)
"It's true sharks can't fly, but it's also true I have to come down eventually. Sh*t, better try to feed that big b*stard down there my board first..."
(Photo: Clay Rogers/Red Bull)
Wetass Video Of The Week...: Watch paddler Nate Herbeck, roll, tumble and occasionally kayak his way down eastern Washington's raging Icicle Creek (courtesy of Wet Dawg)...
"Damn, I knew I should have divided the beer evenly between bow and stern..."
(Photo: Dunbar Hardy)
"Damn, I knew I should have divided the beer evenly between bow and stern..."
(Photo: Dunbar Hardy)
Russian Big Wallers--Left Hanging: The crack Russian climbing teams trying to conquer the massive rock faces on the north sides of Everest and Jannu are within striking distance of the summits, but have been hunkered down for the past few days, battered by wind and snow. "Everyone is sitting in their "bubbles" and drinking everything that they can find, from an aspirin up to coffee," reports the Jannu team.
The Everest climbers will apparently make their summit assault today:
"As you understand, these pushes are the final. The team will not have an other opportunity. A fixed ropes ended at 8400 m. The highest camp is at 8300 m. Shabaline's group should fix 3-4 pitches more above 8400, and then they will go to the summit without ropes. If for any reasons it will be not possible to them, the following groups should execute this task."
"Without ropes." Gulp...
Jannu North Face: The Russian Route So Far
The Everest climbers will apparently make their summit assault today:
"As you understand, these pushes are the final. The team will not have an other opportunity. A fixed ropes ended at 8400 m. The highest camp is at 8300 m. Shabaline's group should fix 3-4 pitches more above 8400, and then they will go to the summit without ropes. If for any reasons it will be not possible to them, the following groups should execute this task."
"Without ropes." Gulp...
Jannu North Face: The Russian Route So Far
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Annals Of Adventure--Hang-Gliding Over Everest: Here's an inspired idea. Hire a zillion porters. Hump both a microlight airplane and a hang glider to the Himalayan foothills around Everest. Wait for good weather (very important). Use microlight to tow hang-glider to 25,000-plus feet. Release. Hang glide over Everest. Land. Somewhere. Hopefully. Hmmm. I don't know what they were drinking when they came up with this one, but British Microlight pilot Richard Meredith-Hardy and Italian hang-glider pilot Angelo D’Arrigo not only cooked it up, they actually set out to do it. Click here to read the full, hairy report. Here's Meredith-Hardy, who flew the microlight, on what happened as he towed D'Arrigo toward Everest:
"All the time we had that massive South West Face of Everest in front of us. The colours were striking; grey rock with streaks of white snow and the famous 'yellow band' glowing in the early morning light. Up we circled, higher than Lhotse, a formidable spiky peak unlike the great hump of Everest just above us...At about this time in no turbulence there was a slight jerk and I realized we had a line break, and by the way my machine leapt forward I could immediately tell it was my end, whether it was the safety 'weak link' fuse which had broken or something else I had no way of knowing. Angelo suddenly would have been landed with 65 metres of rope. With all my high altitude kit on I don't have much neck mobility so I couldn't look round to see him and I didn't see anything in the mirror; by the time I had circled round, Angelo, in a white glider against the vast white background of the upper Khumbu Glacier was nowhere to be seen. Vanished into thin air."
What happened to Angelo? You'll have to go read about it yourself...
Angelo At Altitude: "Damn, we need maximum lift and I forgot to put the other bird shoe on my left foot..."
(Photo: Over Everest Expedition)
"All the time we had that massive South West Face of Everest in front of us. The colours were striking; grey rock with streaks of white snow and the famous 'yellow band' glowing in the early morning light. Up we circled, higher than Lhotse, a formidable spiky peak unlike the great hump of Everest just above us...At about this time in no turbulence there was a slight jerk and I realized we had a line break, and by the way my machine leapt forward I could immediately tell it was my end, whether it was the safety 'weak link' fuse which had broken or something else I had no way of knowing. Angelo suddenly would have been landed with 65 metres of rope. With all my high altitude kit on I don't have much neck mobility so I couldn't look round to see him and I didn't see anything in the mirror; by the time I had circled round, Angelo, in a white glider against the vast white background of the upper Khumbu Glacier was nowhere to be seen. Vanished into thin air."
What happened to Angelo? You'll have to go read about it yourself...
Angelo At Altitude: "Damn, we need maximum lift and I forgot to put the other bird shoe on my left foot..."
(Photo: Over Everest Expedition)
TWC Quick Hits...:
San Diegan Lands 140-pound Marlin...From A Kayak: "It looked like it was going to jump right at the kayak at one point, so I put the rod tip into the water, and it just went right under my boat...It was sketchy." Yup, sketchy. But no San Diegan kayaker kebob..
Man Orders Deadly Snakes Over Internet, Gets Bitten And Dies After Opening Package: Alert the Darwin Awards. The quality of the gene pool just took a bump up...
Titanic Discoverer Robert Ballard Complains Wreck Is Being Turned Into A Circus: "A few years ago a couple of people went down and got married on the bow." After making a pile from multiple movies, book sales, and lectures, now he's unhappy...?
"I do! Okay, honey, let's join the rest of our guests in the main ballroom for the reception..."
San Diegan Lands 140-pound Marlin...From A Kayak: "It looked like it was going to jump right at the kayak at one point, so I put the rod tip into the water, and it just went right under my boat...It was sketchy." Yup, sketchy. But no San Diegan kayaker kebob..
Man Orders Deadly Snakes Over Internet, Gets Bitten And Dies After Opening Package: Alert the Darwin Awards. The quality of the gene pool just took a bump up...
Titanic Discoverer Robert Ballard Complains Wreck Is Being Turned Into A Circus: "A few years ago a couple of people went down and got married on the bow." After making a pile from multiple movies, book sales, and lectures, now he's unhappy...?
"I do! Okay, honey, let's join the rest of our guests in the main ballroom for the reception..."
Can You Say "Pororoca"?: Even more important, can you surf it? The answer is yes, if you are willing to head to Brazil and wend your way up the Amazon a ways. If you are, you will encounter the famed "pororoca" wave, which occurs once a month when the Atlantic tides meet the flooding Amazon. The result is a massive wave that sets up and rolls along at 20 miles per hour. It can be surfed for a half hour or more, and once a year, when the moons and tides are right, it really kicks ass. That's what happened last month, and naturally the "Brazilian National Pororoca Surfing Championship" was convened. Click here to read about the competition and check out the great event photos. Surfing the Pororoca, Pororoca, Pororoca (sorry, I just like the way it rolls off the tongue..). This one deserves to go on the list of things to do before you die...
Hanging Ten, Amazon River-Style: "Dude, I've surfed through just about everything....but are these freakin' lily pads?
(Photo: Ricardo Macario)
Hanging Ten, Amazon River-Style: "Dude, I've surfed through just about everything....but are these freakin' lily pads?
(Photo: Ricardo Macario)
Monday, May 24, 2004
A Modern Parable--Oregon Family Robinson: Last month an Australian cross-country runner was doing his thing in Portland, Oregon's Forest Park, when he came across a man with bushy, white hair, a 12-year old girl, and an elaborate hillside camp. Soon the police were out on a manhunt, thinking Elizabeth Smart redux, and here is what they found: a man and his daughter, living and surviving in the wild, with a tarp-covered wood frame for shelter, and a few basic tools. They drank and bathed in a nearby stream, and kept a vegetable garden. Also in the camp was a rope swing, a Bible, and a stack of old World Book Encyclopedias. Naturally, the police assumed there might be all kinds of evil occurring under the conifers, and that at a minimum keeping a young girl in the wild was equivalent to child abuse. So it was a triumph for the Wetass way of life, and a blow against the twisted assumptions of modernism when they discovered: 1) that both the man and the girl (his daughter) were clean and healthy (no cavities even!); 2) that the man and his daughter demonstrated a remarkable closeness and affection that is rare today between parents and video-dazed children; and 3) the young girl--educated almost entirely with the World Books--was about 5 years ahead of all the "civilized" girls in town in both her education, speaking ability, and general maturity. Why were they in the forest? The man, a Vietnam vet and college grad, was down on his luck. So instead of exposing his daughter to the alcohol, drugs and abuse that comes with a life on the street, he hiked deep into the forest and chose an entirely novel lifestyle. To their credit, the police did not just hand the pair over to social services. But they did talk them into moving out of the forest. Now the guy and his daughter live in a crappy mobile home (hey, don't you know you can't live without running water and electricity?) while he cuts lawns. Some improvement. Hope he and the girl ditch their better life and hightail it for the forest again before the producers of Dateline track them down...
"Damn, I'm trying to remember why I moved here..."
"Damn, I'm trying to remember why I moved here..."
Everest Update--Fast F*cker: Most Everest expeditions work really, really hard to make climbing the world's tallest mountain seem like an incredible ordeal, a near-impossible feat that requires a military style assault with teams of porters and sherpas, a series of ascending camps that breaks the mountain into stages, and weeks of acclimatization. And then along comes an unassuming 26 year old named Pemba Dorji Sherpa. Last Thursday evening he walked out of Base Camp and just started climbing. 8 hours and 10 minutes later, after passing all the climbers heroically scratching their way toward the summit, he was at the top, setting a new speed climbing record for Everest. Oh yeah, he also pulled it off just 4 days after summitting with an expedition, putting him on top twice within a week. So what does that say about all the slow-ass climbers making such a big deal out of Everest?
Super Sherpa: "I can't believe all the crap the Westerners climb with...and then just leave lying around on the mountain."
Super Sherpa: "I can't believe all the crap the Westerners climb with...and then just leave lying around on the mountain."
J22 Worlds Finale: It all boils down to this. On the plus side: Team Wetass squeaked into the Gold Fleet (the top 64 boats that were competing for the championship). On the minus side: Team Wetass (moi, mainly) sailed like dumbasses once we got there. We went into the championship round in 57th place and when all the shouting was over we finished 60th (out of 130 boats). We weren't Dead F*cking Last (DFL) in the Gold Fleet, but we were Almost Dead F*cking Last (ADFL). Still, it was a great, great week on the water, we learned a ton, and we only encountered a few d*ckheads at the very crowded mark roundings. Oh yeah, a couple of other huge pluses: the beer was mostly free, the weather was mostly good, and we all spent a week sailing instead of sitting around in offices...
"Uh, Tim. How come I keep seeing so many boats in front of us...?"
(Photo courtesy of Dave Gendell, editor of local Annapolis sailing mag Spinsheet. Check out his handy new online Chesapeake news service, Floatline).
"Uh, Tim. How come I keep seeing so many boats in front of us...?"
(Photo courtesy of Dave Gendell, editor of local Annapolis sailing mag Spinsheet. Check out his handy new online Chesapeake news service, Floatline).
![[Valid Atom]](http://www.wetasschronicles.com/artwork/valid-atom.png "Validate my Atom feed"){kind=small}
