Friday, June 18, 2004
Annals Of Inanity--Luna Lunacy: The oddest, most absurd tug of war on the planet right now is taking place on Canada's Nootka Sound. The object of the insanity: a killer whale called Luna. Seems Luna was separated from his pod when he was 2 years old and found his way to Nootka Sound. There, he swam, ate, lived it up and became remarkably friendly with the boaters and fishermen on his new home's waters. Sounds okay, right? Well, cue ridiculously well-meaning--and inevitably stupid--government plan. Canada's Department of Fisheries (DFO), apparently lacking enough to do despite a multitude of significant fisheries issues, decided that Luna was becoming (oxymoron alert) "dangerously friendly." So the desk jockeys at DFO decided that Luna (now 5 years old and topping 4,000 pounds) had to be trapped in a pen, subjected to a week of medical poking and prodding, craned into a big tank and trucked a couple hundred miles down the coast where--if all the stars aligned perfectly--he would be reunited with his family pod. Sounds pretty unpleasant if you happen to be the whale in question. Luckily, a rag tag group of Mowachaht-Muchalaht aborigines decided that Luna was inhabited by the spirit of their late chief (is this a great story, or what?). Why? Luna turned up in Nootka Sound just weeks after the chief made a deathbed wish for his spirit to live inside a whale. So off they went, paddling and kayaking around the Sound in bad trucker hats. Singing and drumming, they coaxed Luna away from the pen constructed by the fisheries goons, and out toward open water. And every time Luna shows any interest in following the fisheries boats and the food that they are tempting him with, the natives paddle like crazy and start their singing. So far, Luna seems to prefer the aborigines. He's been filmed by the growing media horde swimming alongside their boats as they stroke him and even rub his teeth. Wow, sounds like a seriously dangerous predator. Of course, the DFO mooks have no idea how to handle this growing PR disaster. There are laws against interfering with a whale, so they could try to arrest the tribal troubadours. But of course there are all those cameras to contend with. Here's an idea for the Department of Fisheries: leave Luna the hell alone, let him live wherever he wants, and devote your overtapped budget to something useful, like, say, saving the salmon. It's called N-A-T-U-R-E, and mostly it's best left alone. Sure, Luna may eventually take a taste of some overzealous tourist in neon spandex. But would that necessarily be a bad thing...?
Some Predator: "Hey, Mom. He's tickling me. Sing some more..."
Some Predator: "Hey, Mom. He's tickling me. Sing some more..."
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 8:34 AM 
"Don't Try This At Home" Stunt #463: Call it dedication to their work. Call it more Russian craziness. Call it vodka-induced....oh, never mind. But a team of ten Russian climbers is headed up 10,700-foot Mt. Shiveluch on Russia's Far Eastern Kamchatka peninsula. "So what?" you say. Well, Shiveluch is a volcano and it's currently spewing lava and ash up to 3 miles into the sky. In fact, it's been erupting non-stop since 2001. The cover story for this thrill-seeking gig is that there are some vulcanologists on the team who plan to study the thing close up...very close up. Yeah, right. Turns out that there are 141 volcanos on the Kamchatka peninsula, 28 of them active, and climbers from all over the world are constantly adding a little spice to their climbing by scaling the smoky ones. In fact, last year a Czech climber was killed there. Not to worry, say officials associated with this current expedition, scheduled to be completed by June 25, if the thing really blows, they'll head down. Good thinking...
Sizzling Shiveluch: "Hey, guys. I've got an idea. Let's go climb that one with flame coming out the top..."
Sizzling Shiveluch: "Hey, guys. I've got an idea. Let's go climb that one with flame coming out the top..."
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 8:18 AM
Thursday, June 17, 2004
"Mekong" Mick O'Shea--Where Is He? Just Ask His Mum: Last month, TWC wrote about adventurer Mick O'Shea, who had trekked to the headwaters of the Mekong River and was about to set off in a kayak to try to make the first descent ever of the 3,000 mile "Mother Of Waters," the twelfth longest river in the world. O'Shea posted a great, fact-filled dispatch on May 7, after he had arrived in the Tibetan headwaters region. The Wetass world waited eagerly for his next report, from the wilds of the river. But, nothing. Mekong Mick had gone offline. Readers wrote in asking where he was. TWC had no idea. But yesterday, out of the blue, I got an e-mail from Mekong Mick's Mum (say that 10 times fast), who had bet her thrill-seeking son that by the time he was off the river someone, somewhere would have dubbed him "Mekong" Mick (glad to oblige ma'am). Anyhow, I asked Mekong Mick's Mum--her friends call her Lynley--where her bouncing baby was. And she replied that she had, in fact, just received an update from him, which she was kind enough to forward. Seems Mekong Mick had run into sponsor trouble and had to do some scrambling before he jumped into the Mekong. But he's finally on the river, after some hair-raising escapades among the yak herders of Tibet. It's an extremely colorful report (read the whole thing here), which is to be expected if you take an Australian of Irish descent and give him a pen. It picks up Mick's story as he closes in on the headwaters and features Mick's, umm, interesting encounter with a massive and vicious mastiff dog, owned by a yak-herder family with whom he spends the night:
"The following morning I discreetly snuck out of the tent to make a nature call. There was really nowhere that was out of sight of the camp so I chose a small hill nearby and began to attend to business. I was 3 quarters done when I heard a dreadful growl and bark. I looked down the hill to see Coujo [as Mick has nick-named the monster] bounding up towards me. Someone had obviously taken him off the chain during the night to look after the yaks that were standing in a large group nearby. Mist exploded from his mouth with each bark . He looked like the meant business and was closing in quick so there was not much time to react. I had time to either pull up my pants or reach for some rocks. I stood up and pelted a fist sized rock towards Coujo as a deterrent and rather than slow him down this seemed to inspire a more rapid attack.
I quickly reached for another rock and with my pants around my ankles flung it at him several seconds before he would have been upon me. It hit him solidly on the left shoulder and he let out a semi bark/yelp and hesitated for a moment before closing into within two meters. I screamed at him as aggressively as I could and faked throwing another rock as he snapped toward my hand. This close range stand off with me screaming and him snapping went on for a further 2 or 3 seconds that seemed like an eternity before I heard a yell from down near the tent. The headman was running up the hill towards me and numerous bodies began emerging from the tent flaps to see what was going on. Coujo looked visibly concerned and backed off a few steps. A couple of seconds later a hail of rocks rained down in the vicinity of Coujo and me as the whole family came to my rescue. Coujo was now in full flight and with him out of my face I reached down to grab some more rocks just in case. It was then that I realized that my parts were still around my ankles and modesty took over from malice as the family looked on in concern. By the time my pants were back up the entire family burst out in laughter and I kind of wished that I could disappear."
Whew. And Mick thought the Mekong would be dangerous...
"The following morning I discreetly snuck out of the tent to make a nature call. There was really nowhere that was out of sight of the camp so I chose a small hill nearby and began to attend to business. I was 3 quarters done when I heard a dreadful growl and bark. I looked down the hill to see Coujo [as Mick has nick-named the monster] bounding up towards me. Someone had obviously taken him off the chain during the night to look after the yaks that were standing in a large group nearby. Mist exploded from his mouth with each bark . He looked like the meant business and was closing in quick so there was not much time to react. I had time to either pull up my pants or reach for some rocks. I stood up and pelted a fist sized rock towards Coujo as a deterrent and rather than slow him down this seemed to inspire a more rapid attack.
I quickly reached for another rock and with my pants around my ankles flung it at him several seconds before he would have been upon me. It hit him solidly on the left shoulder and he let out a semi bark/yelp and hesitated for a moment before closing into within two meters. I screamed at him as aggressively as I could and faked throwing another rock as he snapped toward my hand. This close range stand off with me screaming and him snapping went on for a further 2 or 3 seconds that seemed like an eternity before I heard a yell from down near the tent. The headman was running up the hill towards me and numerous bodies began emerging from the tent flaps to see what was going on. Coujo looked visibly concerned and backed off a few steps. A couple of seconds later a hail of rocks rained down in the vicinity of Coujo and me as the whole family came to my rescue. Coujo was now in full flight and with him out of my face I reached down to grab some more rocks just in case. It was then that I realized that my parts were still around my ankles and modesty took over from malice as the family looked on in concern. By the time my pants were back up the entire family burst out in laughter and I kind of wished that I could disappear."
Whew. And Mick thought the Mekong would be dangerous...
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 8:59 AM
TWC Quick Hits...:
Meteor Lands in New Zealand Living Room: Toddler in house appears to be developing super strength and X-Ray vision...
Small Village In Turkey Welcomes Spring With Annual Whipping Festival: Fetishists take note: they use...silky scarves.
British Underwriter To Offer Insurance Against Chest Hair Loss To Unnamed Macho Star: Policy excludes war, revolution, radioactive contamination and terrorism. Umm, who'd be worrying about their chest hair after all that...?
The Settlement: "What! I pay you premiums all those years, and this is what you give me...?!
Meteor Lands in New Zealand Living Room: Toddler in house appears to be developing super strength and X-Ray vision...
Small Village In Turkey Welcomes Spring With Annual Whipping Festival: Fetishists take note: they use...silky scarves.
British Underwriter To Offer Insurance Against Chest Hair Loss To Unnamed Macho Star: Policy excludes war, revolution, radioactive contamination and terrorism. Umm, who'd be worrying about their chest hair after all that...?
The Settlement: "What! I pay you premiums all those years, and this is what you give me...?!
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 8:39 AM
The Voyage Of The Sardine--Anne Quemere Versus The Atlantic: A lot of ocean rowing, like any sport, can be a bit, well, boring. So TWC has been pretty picky about what to follow. But when there are rowers out there doing something either totally ridiculous (Jim Shekhdar trying to row the Southern Ocean) or first (Maud Fontenoy becoming the first woman to row the Atlantic west to east), we're on it. And so we'd like to direct your attention to a scrap of ocean some ways south and west of Nova Scotia. There, plugging away at her oars, is a gutsy French woman named Anne Quemere, 37, who has already crossed the Atlantic east to west (in 56 days, setting the record for a woman). If she gets to her native Brittany in France, she'll become the first woman to row an ocean both ways solo. Anne's been out there two weeks now, after departing from Cape Cod, and of the two Atlantic directions this one is much more brutal. The route takes the rower north, into cold and the Atlantic storm track (the east-west route is downwind in the tropics). It took Maud Fontenoy an incredible 117 days to complete her row, and it almost killed her in one storm she capsized 18 times). In addition to Anne's website, the venerable Ocean Rowing Society is tracking her progress. The tracking chart there shows a little loop where she was blown backwards in a recent storm. But her latest report describes perfect rowing conditions:
"After a short, restless sleep, dawn finds me dashing by in the current, pushed by a 20 to 25 knot wind. The centerboard low and the ballasts filled with 130 liters of water to stabilize the Connetable and increase its energy, at times, we go at more than 7 knots along that racing track where I am the only pilot. The speed is made ever more pleasant by the feeling that I am regaining the time lost."
Anne's track will cover 2700 miles and she hopes to make the voyage in under 90 days. Yes, 90 days would be a good time. That's how hard this is...
The Sardine: "It's half boat, half sub, and I'm gonna need the sub part..."
"After a short, restless sleep, dawn finds me dashing by in the current, pushed by a 20 to 25 knot wind. The centerboard low and the ballasts filled with 130 liters of water to stabilize the Connetable and increase its energy, at times, we go at more than 7 knots along that racing track where I am the only pilot. The speed is made ever more pleasant by the feeling that I am regaining the time lost."
Anne's track will cover 2700 miles and she hopes to make the voyage in under 90 days. Yes, 90 days would be a good time. That's how hard this is...
The Sardine: "It's half boat, half sub, and I'm gonna need the sub part..."
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 7:39 AM
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Amin Brakk Expedition: Well the Russians, God bless 'em, are at it again. It's not enough that two Russian climbing teams just pulled off two of the hairiest climbs ever (Jannu North Face and Everest North Central Face). Now a team of four climbers, a video cameraman, a photographer, and a doctor (the Russians always need to have a good doctor with them) are on their way to the Karakorum. They constitute the "Russian Extreme Team" ("Extreme" after "Russian is a bit redundant, I think), and their plan is to pioneer a new route on the 5850 meter Amin Brakk tower. Amin Brakk features a 1200 meter granite face, and is considered to be the most technically difficult rock tower on the planet (more difficult than the better known Trango Tower near K2). Amin Brakk (which means "Great Tower") was first attempted in 1996. But the bastard wasn't climbed until 1999, by a Spanish team which took 34 days to get to the top and had to haul up its own water because the sheer face doesn't hold any snow to melt. The Russians will attempt a new route up the West face, but they've added a twist. There's always a twist, and that's why you have to love the Russians. When (if) they get to the top, climber Valery Rozov will descend the fast way. In other words, he plans to jump off. Yes, jump. Okay, he will have a parachute (they are Russians--insane but not suicidal). But it will be one of the most absurd, extreme BASE jumps ever attempted, and a potential Wetass Video of The Decade. Stay tuned...
Amin Brakk, the Great Tower: "Holy sh*t! Rozov plans to do WHAT?!
Amin Brakk, the Great Tower: "Holy sh*t! Rozov plans to do WHAT?!
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 9:00 AM
Wetass Video Of The Week...: TWC Assistant Editor Dave Ross (Postage/Retro Music) sent this in. And it has to be sort of wedged into the Wetass genre. But it made me laugh out loud more than once. So click here if you want to watch some seriously deranged, umm, kittens in action...
"I'm going to kick your ass..."
"I'm going to kick your ass..."
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 8:44 AM
Annals of Invention--Altipower: Want to climb Everest, but don't have the time for high altitude acclimatization? Or blow away the competition in the three-legged race at your company's annual picnic? Well, a company called Go2Altitude has just the thing for you. What the hell is an "Altipower"? Well, it's a personal hypoxicator? Umm, what the hell is that? Okay, okay. It's a portable breathing system which simulates the oxygen-depleted conditions of high altitude. Strap it on and over time your body will start to manufacture extra blood cells to compensate for the thin oxygen your lungs are getting. In highly trained athletes it can produce a performance improvement of, err, 2 percent. Okay, that's not mind-blowing. But you'll impress the crap out of your office mates, or fellow climbers at base camp, if you are walking around with one of these babies strapped on...
Oxygen Depletion At Home: "Hmm. It seems to work okay. But wouldn't a plastic baggie be a lot cheaper...?"
(Photo: via Gizmo.com)
Oxygen Depletion At Home: "Hmm. It seems to work okay. But wouldn't a plastic baggie be a lot cheaper...?"
(Photo: via Gizmo.com)
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 7:38 AM
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Limits Of Endurance--The Lone Woman Of San Nicholas Island: The LA Times and writer Joe Robinson dig into the story a 19th century woman who survived for 18 years on a rocky island off the California coast...completely alone. It's an incredible tale, of good intentions gone bad, and the adaptability and tenaciousness of the human spirit. The woman was an indian indigenous to the island who was left behind by accident when missionaries came to "save" her people by taking them to the mainland (where, surprise, indians were put to work in the missions).
"It's loneliness that makes the loudest noise," wrote philosopher Eric Hoffer. For a deserted Nicoleño woman, it no doubt thundered up the arroyos and over the thrashing surf, drowning out all with the echo of what was no longer there. Humans are adaptable creatures, but how do you begin to adjust to a life without a single other human in it?
When she was finally found, she was wearing cormorant feathers all over her body, jabbering away in a language no one could understand, and skinning a dead seal. She was taken back to the mainland, immediately came down with dysentery, and died two weeks later...
"Hmmm. Life on San Nicolas sure is boring. But what if you added other people and brought in television cameras...?"
"It's loneliness that makes the loudest noise," wrote philosopher Eric Hoffer. For a deserted Nicoleño woman, it no doubt thundered up the arroyos and over the thrashing surf, drowning out all with the echo of what was no longer there. Humans are adaptable creatures, but how do you begin to adjust to a life without a single other human in it?
When she was finally found, she was wearing cormorant feathers all over her body, jabbering away in a language no one could understand, and skinning a dead seal. She was taken back to the mainland, immediately came down with dysentery, and died two weeks later...
"Hmmm. Life on San Nicolas sure is boring. But what if you added other people and brought in television cameras...?"
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 9:57 AM
TWC Quick Hits...:
Killer Elephant Acquitted Of Trampling 20: Defense claims frame-up. Prosecution asks elephant to try on glove and it doesn't fit...
Russian Man Stands On Hands, And "Walks" Down 32 Flights Of Stairs: Wants to race horse next (see below)...
Australian Pub In Trouble Over Mouse-Chewing Contest: Contest Terms: Bite off tail. Gnaw on torso. Win holiday (and toothpick). Risk $75,000 and 2 years in prison...
"Dinner? No thanks. Urrp. I snacked before I got here..."
Killer Elephant Acquitted Of Trampling 20: Defense claims frame-up. Prosecution asks elephant to try on glove and it doesn't fit...
Russian Man Stands On Hands, And "Walks" Down 32 Flights Of Stairs: Wants to race horse next (see below)...
Australian Pub In Trouble Over Mouse-Chewing Contest: Contest Terms: Bite off tail. Gnaw on torso. Win holiday (and toothpick). Risk $75,000 and 2 years in prison...
"Dinner? No thanks. Urrp. I snacked before I got here..."
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 9:09 AM
Annals Of Inanity--Marathon Man Vs. Horse: England has some great annual traditions. Recently TWC brought you cheeserolling. Today, we present the annual "Man Vs. Horse" race that has been staged for the past 25 years in the deep recesses of Wales. The proposition is simple: 22-mile course, first one (four-legged or two-legged) home, wins. The prize increases by $1500 every year a man does not win. No man has ever won, so this year's prize was close to $40,000. That was enough to put 500 runners on the line against more than 40 horses and riders, with bookies offering 16 to 1 odds against the two-leggers. After a dedication to "Screaming Lord Sutch," a huge supporter of the contest who died in 1999, it's showdown time. Enter the oddly named Huw Lobb, a 27-year old marathoner from London. Off he goes, scrambling around the course, and crosses the finish in 2 hours and 5 minutes. Amazingly, the fastest horse, Kay Bee Jay, manages a time of only 2 hours and 7 minutes. Advantage: hominid. After the race last month in which a pub-crawling greyhound dusted a race horse, this is bad news for the equine species. Perhaps a race against a pig might be in order to boost equine confidence. Lobb could help fund it, except he probably didn't get home with his full winnings. "Everybody was cheering and shaking my hand and telling me I'd have to buy them a drink with my prize money," he said after his victory. Great Britain (can't say England or I'll get firebombed by Welsh nationalists). Gotta love it...
Another Blow To Horsedom: "Damn. How can that pasty geek be outpacing me? Next year I'm going to carry a lance..."
Another Blow To Horsedom: "Damn. How can that pasty geek be outpacing me? Next year I'm going to carry a lance..."
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 8:10 AM
Monday, June 14, 2004
Annals Of (Dubious) Achievement--"Ferry, We Don't Need No Stinkin' Ferry!": British media mogul/hound Richard Branson has found a fast and easy way to get himself back in the record books. The hirsute honcho of the Virgin group just hopped into an "Aquada" amphibious car and drove from England to Calais, France in just an hour and forty minutes. The amphibious record for crossing the Channel is not exactly highly contested. There have been only two previous attempts, the first by Brit Ben Carlin in he 1950s (in a time of seven and a half hours), and the second by a pair of Frenchman, who usurped the record in the 1960s in a time of just over six hours. So let's see. Using a modern amphibious car--which does 100 mph on land and 30 mph on water--Branson slashed, oh, four and a half hours off the record. Not exactly a nail-biter (though he was cool enough to wear a tux jacket and a bow tie). Now if Branson drove that sucker across the Atlantic, that would be impressive...
Branson's Latest Ride: "Heh-heh. Another record stolen from the sleeping Frogs. It's a good thing Napoleon didn't have any of these..."
(Photo: Associated Press)
Branson's Latest Ride: "Heh-heh. Another record stolen from the sleeping Frogs. It's a good thing Napoleon didn't have any of these..."
(Photo: Associated Press)
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 9:48 AM
Yangtze Swim--Bobbing Along: Slovenian Martin Strel has taken to the waters of the Yangtze and is swimming away in his attempt to paddle all the way to the sea. Click here to watch a video of Strel on departure day (warning: contains scary shots of Strel in a Speedo). After some classic Maoist ceremony (banners, music, a confused Chinese crowd), the vid finally gets to the river, which is moving pretty damn fast. It also has some shots of Leaping Tiger Gorge, which looks, umm, formidable. Strel keeps getting sand in his wetsuit (that can't be comfortable) and the land-based team can't keep up with him and his kayakers in the rough, almost road-less country he is swimming through. But at least the locals keep killing chickens for him...
Strel Submerges: "Hmm. It's cold. It's muddy. It's gonna get polluted. What the hell was Mao thinking when he went swimming in this cesspool every year..."
Strel Submerges: "Hmm. It's cold. It's muddy. It's gonna get polluted. What the hell was Mao thinking when he went swimming in this cesspool every year..."
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 7:46 AM
Transat Tieup--And Where's Ellen: Brit Mike Golding, in his Open 60 monohull Ecover, finally scored a win in a big solo race, winning the Transat over the weekend. Golding has been out there fighting tooth and nail for years now, and this is his first big one. With it, he's going to be a favorite in November's Vendee Globe. You can listen to a post-race interview with Golding here. Frenchman Dominique Wavre nabbed second, and Kiwi (and Transat virgin) Mike Sanderson hung onto third despite his broken daggerboard. Yves Parlier finally turned up in his hydroplaning catamaran, and hopefully will set up for a solo North Atlantic record. Which brings me to the question: WHERE THE HELL IS ELLEN? And when will she and B&Q finally take off from New York on their record attempt? By now B&Q is going to be sinking under the weight of weed and barnacle she is accumulating in New York harbor. So bring it on, and get talking to Yves about a simultaneous departure. Now that would be a race really worth watching...
B&Q at Liberty Landing Marina: "Ships and men rot in port." Even the fat cruiser has been out more often...
B&Q at Liberty Landing Marina: "Ships and men rot in port." Even the fat cruiser has been out more often...
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 7:15 AM
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