Friday, October 01, 2004
Have A Wetass Weekend...
(Photo: From our friends at WaterWork Media)
(Photo: From our friends at WaterWork Media)
Department Of Odd Occurences--Whale Of A Ride: Tired of stories about surfers and sharks? Probably not, you bloodthirsty scum. But today you'll have to look elsewhere to slake your lust for guts and gore. Because this surfer story is about a guy at Laguna Beach who thought he was riding a wave, and looked down to find he was in fact riding a whale. Yup, a whale. "All of a sudden I just felt, wow, this huge noise and bump," said [Spyros] Vamvas, "and it lifted my board up. I'm looking down, and there's just swirling water and I see barnacles on the back of the whale. I'm used to dolphins. This was different. It was huge." I'd be tempted to say that Vamvas was tripping his brains out, except that he's 60 years old (and there were plenty of witnesses). More impressive, the whale--estimated at between 15 and 30 feet-- gave him a pretty smooth ride, dropping him back into the water before heading back out to sea. What was the whale up to? I'm guessing it was a whale frat prank, or a version of Whale Fear Factor...
"Damn. I just gave that old surfer Dude a ride, and now this stupid scuba diver wants one too...?"
"Damn. I just gave that old surfer Dude a ride, and now this stupid scuba diver wants one too...?"
Annals Of Enormity--Maximum Maxi Yacht: These days, massive, shockingly fast monohull sailboats are all the rage. Mari Cha IV, at 145 feet, is the Gold Standard, but she is mainly built for breaking records. Drop down to around 100 feet and there is a growing group of vanity rockets that are built to win races, or, to be more accurate, just finish the races first. They usually lose out to smaller yachts once the handicaps are all tallied up. But, hey, the owner and crew get to sail really fast and be the first ones to tap the keg. That's got to be worth something. Doesn't it? Anyhow, the latest 100-footer to go into build is a little number called Team EBS, the brainchild of two New Zealand businessmen. The design brief was classic: "To design and build the world's fastest monohull race yacht and to win line honors in all major Grand Prix Super Maxi events over three continents in 2005." Oh, is that all? Anyhow, who knows whether they'll scupper all the other rich guys with 100 footers out there (one innovation will be a rotating mast), but if you want to see what it takes to build a yacht like this from start to finish, spend a few minutes on their website. It's got a very cool, 7-minute video that takes you through the whole concept and the incredible schedule of racing they plan. There are also lots of galleries. Best site I've seen. Sure hope the boat isn't a dog...
"Uhh, Bill? Nice work on the hull, but I'm pretty sure we're going to need a bigger shed..."
(Photo: Team EBS)
"Uhh, Bill? Nice work on the hull, but I'm pretty sure we're going to need a bigger shed..."
(Photo: Team EBS)
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Going To Extremes--Vomitorium On Wheels: If you don't want to fork out $200 K to ride with Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic into suborbital space, the Six Flags Great Adventure Park in New Jersey is planning a more modest alternative, otherwise known as the world's wildest roller coaster. To be called Kingda Ka (huh?), the thing will take thrill seekers from 0 to 128 mph in 3.5 seconds, and rocket them to a height of 456 feet off the ground.
"An animated depiction of Kingda Ka shows the coaster creeping slowly, stopping and then launching forward horizontally at nearly 130 mph before climbing at a 90-degree angle more than 45 stories above the park.
The coaster then spirals 270 degrees as it plummets, flattens out and climbs again as it shoots over a 129-foot hill, which the company says will make riders feel weightless. It's over in about 50 seconds."
Whew, I'm almost about to hurl already. Let's see. Here's a question for management: how many heart attacks and exploding blood vessels are predicted in your computer models? Oh, and how many lawyers do you have on your payroll...?
Kingda Ka Coronary: "Wheeee....Ack! My heart!"
"An animated depiction of Kingda Ka shows the coaster creeping slowly, stopping and then launching forward horizontally at nearly 130 mph before climbing at a 90-degree angle more than 45 stories above the park.
The coaster then spirals 270 degrees as it plummets, flattens out and climbs again as it shoots over a 129-foot hill, which the company says will make riders feel weightless. It's over in about 50 seconds."
Whew, I'm almost about to hurl already. Let's see. Here's a question for management: how many heart attacks and exploding blood vessels are predicted in your computer models? Oh, and how many lawyers do you have on your payroll...?
Kingda Ka Coronary: "Wheeee....Ack! My heart!"
Wetass Lives--Maegan Carney: TWC featured this extreme skier earlier this year, when she was attempting to become the first woman (and only second person) to ski off the summit of Everest. She didn't make it, but Skiing magazine has a great profile of Carney, who's one of the world's gutsiest. Let's see. She's afraid of heights. She got into extreme skiing (not out) after being rolled and almost killed by an avalanche ("It was a big turning point. It was like a big kick in the butt to do more, see more, and experience more before it was too late."). She never made the U.S. National ski team in part because she was a punk who once told a coach to "blow it out your ass." Oh yeah. And she plans to take another crack at Everest...
"Okay, enough of this easy sh*t. I'm going back to Chomolunga and the top of the world..."
"Okay, enough of this easy sh*t. I'm going back to Chomolunga and the top of the world..."
Wetass Job #26--Bear Bouncing: So it's come to this. There are so many humans tempting so many bears with junk food in our national parks that the National Park Service needs to employ some seriously crazy mofos to keep them all apart. Here's what happens, according to a whimsical report in the LA Times, when a bear bouncer like Joe Yarkovich is called into action by a camper cowering over a nearby bear:
"It's very technical," he likes to explain when the whimpering campers approach. Then Yarkovich, 28 years old, head shaved, weighing in at 175 pounds, starts in with the tough love. He sprints full tilt at a black bear about his size, screaming, "Hey bear! Get going! Get outta here!" and maybe blasting the animal's face with pepper spray. Hazing, they call it...
In the back of the truck lie the night-vision goggles, the shotgun and rubber bullets, telemetry instruments, slingshot and pepper balls. On his belt, Yarkovich wears a Mag-Lite and a canister of pepper spray.
This is Yogi and Boo Boo versus The Man, and it would make a great reality TV show (cue Cops music: "Bad bear, bad bear! Whatcha gonna do?") because it turns out that the bears are pretty damn smart (learning how to use their tongues, for instance, as a third hand to open up supposedly bear-proof food storage boxes; and shedding their radio tracking collars) and campers are incredibly stupid (putting out food because they want to see bears up close, and then screaming for help once they discover that bears are, well, scary). I see Hulk Hogan in a starring role...
"Ummm. Great garbage tonight. But I'd better not eat too much in case that loud, wrinkly blonde guy in tights tries to piledrive me again..."
"It's very technical," he likes to explain when the whimpering campers approach. Then Yarkovich, 28 years old, head shaved, weighing in at 175 pounds, starts in with the tough love. He sprints full tilt at a black bear about his size, screaming, "Hey bear! Get going! Get outta here!" and maybe blasting the animal's face with pepper spray. Hazing, they call it...
In the back of the truck lie the night-vision goggles, the shotgun and rubber bullets, telemetry instruments, slingshot and pepper balls. On his belt, Yarkovich wears a Mag-Lite and a canister of pepper spray.
This is Yogi and Boo Boo versus The Man, and it would make a great reality TV show (cue Cops music: "Bad bear, bad bear! Whatcha gonna do?") because it turns out that the bears are pretty damn smart (learning how to use their tongues, for instance, as a third hand to open up supposedly bear-proof food storage boxes; and shedding their radio tracking collars) and campers are incredibly stupid (putting out food because they want to see bears up close, and then screaming for help once they discover that bears are, well, scary). I see Hulk Hogan in a starring role...
"Ummm. Great garbage tonight. But I'd better not eat too much in case that loud, wrinkly blonde guy in tights tries to piledrive me again..."
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Wetass Video Of The Week...: Is this guy (his name is Ben Selznick; go here for an interview) mostly kayaking, or mostly drowning? Click here to watch and decide for yourself. Either way, it's enough to make me want to go paddling...
"Hot coffee, whitewater, no showers. Life is good..."
(Photo Montage (and Video): via Teton Gravity Research)
"Hot coffee, whitewater, no showers. Life is good..."
(Photo Montage (and Video): via Teton Gravity Research)
For All You Hurricane Victims: Hint: Check out the headline...
The Wetass Christmas--By Air And Sea: High end retailer Neiman Marcus just released their Xmas catalogue, and it's definitely got some items suitable for a Wetass stocking. First up: the Zeppelin NT. This baby would be great. It can carry up to 15, hit speeds of 70 knots, and stay in the air up to 24 hours (note to Neiman Marcus: please don't sell a Zep to anyone named Osama). Think about the New Year's party you could throw as you head for Las Vegas. Okay, it's not so practical. It's 230 feet long, 60 feet wide and 53 feet tall, so the parking garage is out. And it costs, umm, $10 million. But what the hell. Haven't you always wanted to say: "Hey, baby, would you like to take a ride in my zeppelin?"
"I say, chaps, wasn't it nice of Edgar to take all our daughters for a ride..."
Or, if you are looking for something a little less pricey, and prefer the undersea world, you could put the Deep Flight Aviator on your list. This 2-man sub is like an underwater airplane, with racing seats, joystick controls and nuclear-tipped torpedoes (okay, no torpedoes, but that would be an interesting option). It can dive to 1500 feet, make up to 8 knots, and you'll be comforted to know that it has life support for up to 24 hours (again NM: no Osamas). And it costs a paltry 1.7 mil. Which you could easily recoup through smuggling...
"Hey, Bill. That's the third time you've made me go to Columbia with you. I should be getting frequent flier mileage..."
"I say, chaps, wasn't it nice of Edgar to take all our daughters for a ride..."
Or, if you are looking for something a little less pricey, and prefer the undersea world, you could put the Deep Flight Aviator on your list. This 2-man sub is like an underwater airplane, with racing seats, joystick controls and nuclear-tipped torpedoes (okay, no torpedoes, but that would be an interesting option). It can dive to 1500 feet, make up to 8 knots, and you'll be comforted to know that it has life support for up to 24 hours (again NM: no Osamas). And it costs a paltry 1.7 mil. Which you could easily recoup through smuggling...
"Hey, Bill. That's the third time you've made me go to Columbia with you. I should be getting frequent flier mileage..."
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Department Of Dumbass Ideas--"Well, it somehow seemed funny when I first thought of it...":
Annals Of Envy--Daddy Don't Surf: So I'd love to learn how to surf. I even have a buddy down in Miami who has a little surf shack in Costa Rica. But I'm stuck at home, sleeping in 3-hour stretches, and dodging the golden shower little Jamie tries to bestow on anyone who dares change his diaper. And here's the e-mail I get from a college friend who's living it up as a surgeon out in California:
"I scrambled out of the OR at 4pm Friday to catch a sunset session at Pacifica, just 10 miles north of Mavericks at Half Moon Bay. Took the old Alfa Romeo Guilia with the board racked and ready (the same car that came to your farm 15 years ago with a bike rack), and tooled down the PCH (Hghwy1) to the beach. Unloaded and leashed a 9'4" deep red Stewart hydrohull longboard and stormed through the beach break to the outer set. The water was warm (59 degrees) and calm and the set waves a magic chest high and cleeann. Pelicans above and sea otters below, rolling in the water. Sunset on the horizon, after which a cool, blue moonlit sheen set on the water."
You're killing me, man. I trust it didn't take an, err, rush job in the OR to hit the beach on time...
"Hmmm, I'm pretty sure I got that last clamp out before closing up..."
"I scrambled out of the OR at 4pm Friday to catch a sunset session at Pacifica, just 10 miles north of Mavericks at Half Moon Bay. Took the old Alfa Romeo Guilia with the board racked and ready (the same car that came to your farm 15 years ago with a bike rack), and tooled down the PCH (Hghwy1) to the beach. Unloaded and leashed a 9'4" deep red Stewart hydrohull longboard and stormed through the beach break to the outer set. The water was warm (59 degrees) and calm and the set waves a magic chest high and cleeann. Pelicans above and sea otters below, rolling in the water. Sunset on the horizon, after which a cool, blue moonlit sheen set on the water."
You're killing me, man. I trust it didn't take an, err, rush job in the OR to hit the beach on time...
"Hmmm, I'm pretty sure I got that last clamp out before closing up..."
The Race To Space--Like A Virgin: Aeronautic genius Burt Rutan is going to send his Buck Rogers-style Little Space Ship That Could back into the ether tomorrow. It will be SpaceShipOne's second launch, and the first leg of its two-leg bid to win the Ansari X prize, which will drop $10 million into the pocket of the first team to get a privately built spacecraft into suborbital space (100 kilometers up, or about 62 miles for all you metric-challenged Luddites) and back. Twice. Within a period of two weeks. The second launch, if the first doesn't end in a fiery ball or a smoking crater, will take place October 4 (the anniversary of the launch of the first satellite--Sputnik). Rutan's project is backed by Microsoft billionaire Paul Allen, who has sunk more than $20 million into the Quixotic quest. But Allen could be getting more than the 10 mil back if Rutan pulls this thing off. Hirsute business honcho Richard Branson, a first-order Wetass, has inked a deal to develop SpaceShipOne as the world's first commercial suborbital space ride. Here's what the ever-quotable Branson, who eventually plans an orbital hotel, had to say: "As Richard Branson Astronaut rather than Richard Branson entrepreneur, my wife will find me even harder to live with." And here's how the over-caffeinated, possibly shrooming, marketing suits at "Virgin Galactic" envision the ride:
5, 4, 3, 2, 1…..the VSS Enterprise, your spaceship, is released from the mother ship. Almost immediately, as your astronaut pilot ignites the engine, you will hear the roar of the rocket behind you as the enormous power accelerates you at 4G to a speed faster than a bullet.
All the time, the ergonomic design of the seats will keep you comfortable.
As you hurtle through the edges of the atmosphere, through the panoramic individual windows you will be able to see the cobalt blue sky turn to mauve and indigo and finally black. Out will come the stars, clear and bright... even though it is daytime!
Soon the rocket motor cuts out. Now, from the rush of adrenalin and the rocket motor, everything is quiet.
You are weightless...
You are in space!
The ship will manoeuvre, so you can look for the first time back at the planet you have just come from. The view will be over a thousand miles in any direction. That’s like seeing North Africa if you were in a spaceship above London or Miami from overhead Washington DC. You will see the clarity of the solar system and the harshness of the sun.
It will be humbling. It will be spiritual.
It will be very, very expensive. How expensive? Try $198,000 a shot. But that's a deal compared to the $20 million the Russians extort from attention-needy American businessmen and fading boy band idols. And I guarantee the Virgin inflight service will be far superior...
Space Cowboy Branson: "With this deal I can now reveal the secret I have been keeping all my life. I am, in fact, a Ferengi..."
5, 4, 3, 2, 1…..the VSS Enterprise, your spaceship, is released from the mother ship. Almost immediately, as your astronaut pilot ignites the engine, you will hear the roar of the rocket behind you as the enormous power accelerates you at 4G to a speed faster than a bullet.
All the time, the ergonomic design of the seats will keep you comfortable.
As you hurtle through the edges of the atmosphere, through the panoramic individual windows you will be able to see the cobalt blue sky turn to mauve and indigo and finally black. Out will come the stars, clear and bright... even though it is daytime!
Soon the rocket motor cuts out. Now, from the rush of adrenalin and the rocket motor, everything is quiet.
You are weightless...
You are in space!
The ship will manoeuvre, so you can look for the first time back at the planet you have just come from. The view will be over a thousand miles in any direction. That’s like seeing North Africa if you were in a spaceship above London or Miami from overhead Washington DC. You will see the clarity of the solar system and the harshness of the sun.
It will be humbling. It will be spiritual.
It will be very, very expensive. How expensive? Try $198,000 a shot. But that's a deal compared to the $20 million the Russians extort from attention-needy American businessmen and fading boy band idols. And I guarantee the Virgin inflight service will be far superior...
Space Cowboy Branson: "With this deal I can now reveal the secret I have been keeping all my life. I am, in fact, a Ferengi..."
Monday, September 27, 2004
Annals Of Achievement--Orange II Bags Another Record: Okay, it's one of the minor ones--the transMed from Marseilles to Carthage. But they sailed the 458 miles in just 17 hours 56 minutes and 13 seconds (averaging about 25.5 knots). That was enough to grab the record from Steve Fossett's PlayStation by 50 minutes, and demonstrate that Orange II is probably going to be the new standard in ocean speed sailing. She was able to maintain high speeds in the early, rough going, and when the seas smoothed out she put the pedal down and was doing a steady 35-39 knots for periods of 20 minutes or more. Peyron saw the speedo hit 41.2 knots at one point. And there was only one moment of pure fear: when a sudden gust walloped them and forced the crew to blow the mainsheet in a big, big hurry (I'd like to hear the soundtrack--in French--on that one). So what's next? Peyron is focused like a laser on taking the round the world record back from Fossett, and the Jules Verne record back from Olivier De Kersauson (recent history reminder: Fossett refused to pay the Jules Verne fee, so the round the world record was suddenly no longer the JV record and Peyron would love to make them one and the same again). That means he will almost certainly keep the boat in Europe until Orange II goes on standby around December (which rules out an east-west transatlantic attempt). But a little cruise in search of the round Britain and Ireland record (currently owned by--you guessed it--Steve Fossett) would certainly be a good tune-up. There's also the round the Isle of Wight record, but I can't imagine that any self-respecting French sailor would be too interested in that one. Stay tuned. Peyron has got this program rolling...
"It's about time we took one off Stevie. Let's see. That leaves, umm, about a dozen to go..."
"It's about time we took one off Stevie. Let's see. That leaves, umm, about a dozen to go..."
James Warren Zimmermann...: Well, here he is. Seems like a nice enough nipper, but I can't get him out of the pool...
Oh. Better enjoy it now, kid. Here's what TWC reader Doug Smith says you have to look forward to...
Oh. Better enjoy it now, kid. Here's what TWC reader Doug Smith says you have to look forward to...
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