Friday, April 08, 2005
Have A Wetass Weekend...
Annals Of Inventiveness: Wetass (Very Wet) Tugboating...
Question: How do you get some coal barges and a tugboat under a low bridge with the river running at flood stage? Answer: watch and learn...
"Hey, Charlie. Low bridge ahead. Release the barges and let 'em float through..."
"But how are we going to get under, Skip...?
"Heh-heh. Ever play tugboat limbo, Charlie...?"
"How low can we go...?"
"Limbo, limbo, limbo-tug. Sing, Charlie..."
"Surfacing. Aooogah. Aooogah. I love this tugboat sh*t..."
"Dum-de-dum. Time to hook up again..."
"Ahh. That's enough fun for now, Charlie. Crack me a beer and let's find the next bridge on the chart..."
(Thanks to TWC reader Bruce Kendall)
"Hey, Charlie. Low bridge ahead. Release the barges and let 'em float through..."
"But how are we going to get under, Skip...?
"Heh-heh. Ever play tugboat limbo, Charlie...?"
"How low can we go...?"
"Limbo, limbo, limbo-tug. Sing, Charlie..."
"Surfacing. Aooogah. Aooogah. I love this tugboat sh*t..."
"Dum-de-dum. Time to hook up again..."
"Ahh. That's enough fun for now, Charlie. Crack me a beer and let's find the next bridge on the chart..."
(Thanks to TWC reader Bruce Kendall)
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 9:52 AM 
Annals Of Invention: Inside Jaws...
Some people are into swimming with Great White sharks (how bored with life do you have to be?). Fabian Cousteau, the legendary Jacques' grandson, is into swimming in them. Now, I guess that some of the people that swim with them end up in them, but that's not what Fabian had in mind. He wanted to be the shark, so naturally he contacted the one place where you can be anything you want to be: Hollywood. And he asked famed animatronics guru Eddie Paul to build him a life-like mechanical Great White shark that he could dive in. And thirty years after the lame, obviously fake "Bruce" which ate Robert Shaw in Steven Spielberg's breakout movie, Paul came up with a pretty damn good shark (he also built a mechanical shark for Fabian's father, which worked fine until another Great White ripped its head off). If you want all the gory technical details ("The shark's skeletal frame consists of a Makrolon polycarbonate spine and stainless steel ribs."), you can check out this feature in Design News. But all you really need to know is that this guy is self-propelled by compressed air, is nicknamed "Troy," and has three cameras to record the fishy action. Fabian has already taken it for a few rides off Baja, and while he says the other Great Whites seem to accept it is some sort of shark they apparently treat it like a "retarded cousin from Australia." Using Troy to film real sharks in action is innovative and cool, but I have to ask whether this is really the best use for him. I mean, think of all the trouble you could make off the coast of Florida. Hell, you could blackmail the tourist industry. Even better you could have CNN in certified shark frenzy for a month (and maybe even get them to cut back to just 10 hours a day of Michael Jackson)...
Fabian And Troy Swim With The Fishes: "Uh-oh. That guy behind us is looking a little amorous. Oh well. I wanted unusual footage and I guess I'm about to get it..."
(Thanks to TWC reader Luis Vieira for the original tip)
Fabian And Troy Swim With The Fishes: "Uh-oh. That guy behind us is looking a little amorous. Oh well. I wanted unusual footage and I guess I'm about to get it..."
(Thanks to TWC reader Luis Vieira for the original tip)
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 9:06 AM
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Wetass Video Vault...
Snowmobile porn. I don't condone it, I just post it. Make sure no environmental activists are looking over your shoulder, and click here...
"Woo-hoo. Just look at those caribou scatter...!"
"Woo-hoo. Just look at those caribou scatter...!"
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 9:36 AM
Department of Silly Records...
It sounds like a question for Wetass Philosophy 101: how many surfers can you squeeze onto a surfboard? The answer is quite surprising: as of last weekend the number is 47. Yup, 47. No, it wasn't a normal board. It was a steroidal, super-sized surfer. Here's are the key details:
Crafted by renowned Gold Coast shaper Nev Hyman, the monstrous 40-foot long craft is a super-sized replica of World Championship Tour (WCT) surfer Dan Wills’ (Byron Bay, NSW, Aus) standard 5’11 competition board.
Thousands of spectators and media gathered to watch more than 30 people carry the craft to the water’s edge before it was towed into the lineup with the aid of a 1200cc jet-ski.
Wills and fellow WCT competitors Troy Brooks (Aus), Chris Ward (USA), Victor Ribas (Brz), Neco Padaratz (Brz) and Hyman were joined by 41 others, including Hyman’s factory staff, all of whom climbed aboard to try and surf their way into the record books.
With a news helicopter hovering above and vision of the feat being beamed into hundreds of thousands of homes worldwide via the quiksilver.com live webcast, a huge roar erupted from beachgoers as the board was pulled into position and onto a small wave.
The world’s best surfers clung to each other for balance and jockeyed for position on the deck of the massive craft which slowly tracked shoreward, before its over-sized fins eventually dug into Snapper’s famous ’Superbank’ sandbar bringing the monstrosity and its passengers to a grinding halt.
Most riders were thrown laughing from the board into waist deep water and two of the fins were also ripped from its underside, yet the incredible ride is considered a successful entry for the Guinness record books.
"I almost didn’t believe he was making it when he told me," said Wills of his shaper’s early intentions. "I was freaking out thinking about what might happen if we nose-dived? Or got caught by a massive wave? Or even how we’d manage to catch a wave! But it actually handled really, really well."
"I was opting for the rail," laughed Wills. "I wanted to be able to bail out if I needed to! But I reckon we could’ve had another 10 guys, easy!"
Hyman laboured for over a month to complete the giant shape which also required more than 300 litres of resin, ? ton of foam, 220 metres of fibre glass and cost more than $50,000.
"I’m just beside myself," gasped Hyman. "All 47 surfers, we were in hysterics as we were getting pushed along. It only lasted a short time, I would love to get straight back out there and catch more waves, but we busted two fins out. But this has been a mission for me for a long time, and it’s turned out fantastically."
The previous record for the most people riding a single surfboard was set in Cornwall, England with 14 surfers riding a narrow shaped paddle-board. The record for the longest surfboard has been held by surfers who constructed an oversized board in New Zealand, but today said Hyman confidently, "We smashed ’em all!"
I'd love to see them try that baby on a 60-footer. Calling Laird Hamilton...
"Goddammit! Who just pinched my ass...?"
Crafted by renowned Gold Coast shaper Nev Hyman, the monstrous 40-foot long craft is a super-sized replica of World Championship Tour (WCT) surfer Dan Wills’ (Byron Bay, NSW, Aus) standard 5’11 competition board.
Thousands of spectators and media gathered to watch more than 30 people carry the craft to the water’s edge before it was towed into the lineup with the aid of a 1200cc jet-ski.
Wills and fellow WCT competitors Troy Brooks (Aus), Chris Ward (USA), Victor Ribas (Brz), Neco Padaratz (Brz) and Hyman were joined by 41 others, including Hyman’s factory staff, all of whom climbed aboard to try and surf their way into the record books.
With a news helicopter hovering above and vision of the feat being beamed into hundreds of thousands of homes worldwide via the quiksilver.com live webcast, a huge roar erupted from beachgoers as the board was pulled into position and onto a small wave.
The world’s best surfers clung to each other for balance and jockeyed for position on the deck of the massive craft which slowly tracked shoreward, before its over-sized fins eventually dug into Snapper’s famous ’Superbank’ sandbar bringing the monstrosity and its passengers to a grinding halt.
Most riders were thrown laughing from the board into waist deep water and two of the fins were also ripped from its underside, yet the incredible ride is considered a successful entry for the Guinness record books.
"I almost didn’t believe he was making it when he told me," said Wills of his shaper’s early intentions. "I was freaking out thinking about what might happen if we nose-dived? Or got caught by a massive wave? Or even how we’d manage to catch a wave! But it actually handled really, really well."
"I was opting for the rail," laughed Wills. "I wanted to be able to bail out if I needed to! But I reckon we could’ve had another 10 guys, easy!"
Hyman laboured for over a month to complete the giant shape which also required more than 300 litres of resin, ? ton of foam, 220 metres of fibre glass and cost more than $50,000.
"I’m just beside myself," gasped Hyman. "All 47 surfers, we were in hysterics as we were getting pushed along. It only lasted a short time, I would love to get straight back out there and catch more waves, but we busted two fins out. But this has been a mission for me for a long time, and it’s turned out fantastically."
The previous record for the most people riding a single surfboard was set in Cornwall, England with 14 surfers riding a narrow shaped paddle-board. The record for the longest surfboard has been held by surfers who constructed an oversized board in New Zealand, but today said Hyman confidently, "We smashed ’em all!"
I'd love to see them try that baby on a 60-footer. Calling Laird Hamilton...
"Goddammit! Who just pinched my ass...?"
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 9:18 AM
Annals Of Awe...
Wondering whether the new Volvo Open 70 is a fast boat? Wonder no longer. Telefonica Movistar, skippered by Bouwe Bekking and on the way from Wellington towards Cape Horn, just broke the outright monohull 24-hour record. Their mark? 530 miles, which beats the old record held by Mari Cha IV (which is almost twice as long) by 5 miles. Equally impressive, they reportedly hit speeds of 36 knots at times, and were just 10 miles shy of the 1994 solo record set by Laurent Bourgnon in his Open 60 trimaran. We've come a long way in monohull design when we are comparing a sloop and an Open 60 tri. What can we conclude from all this? Well, it is complicated so pay attention: these boats are f*cking fast. Which will be great for the Volvo Ocean race which I'm reasonably certain starts sometime this decade (seems like forever since the last one).
If you want to slurp up more color about these new super-surfers, check out the transatlantic crossing diary from ABN AMRO. Here's Sidney Gavignet's account of what it's like to drive these babies:
"Balaclavas and gloves of all kind appeared on deck. Last night the atmosphere was not the same. No wool hats, but true diving balaclavas with helmets with an attached visor. 30 to 35 knots of wind, and the bridge turns into a waterfall. 25, 28, 30, 32 knots: the speedometer goes up relentlessly.
One can only guess what the digital instruments are reading while the boat attacks another wave! We don't know anymore, is it better to surf it or to go through it? In one of these waves, doing over 30 knots, the bow pulpit (that stainless steel tube structure) did not resist the encounter between the boat's speed and the sea water resistance. It ended up completely bent.
In this specific wave I had totally eased the spinnaker to alleviate the pressure on the mast. At the wheel, constantly doing close to 25 knots, with small decreases to 20 knots, the accelerations are enormous. The amplitudes to turn the wheel have to be very brief: any rotation is amplified by speed.
At these speeds we never use more than half a turn of the wheel,compared to its entire perimeter in normal conditions. The key momentis the change of the Helmsman. "All sails up" means you have to get into the rhythm in a split second in the black and referenceless night."
Hmm, contrary to many expectation maybe this Volvo race thing is going to be a pretty good show...
"Heh-heh. Nice work, Bouwe. Now let's call Bob Miller up and suggest that Mari-Cha will make a hell of a planter..."
If you want to slurp up more color about these new super-surfers, check out the transatlantic crossing diary from ABN AMRO. Here's Sidney Gavignet's account of what it's like to drive these babies:
"Balaclavas and gloves of all kind appeared on deck. Last night the atmosphere was not the same. No wool hats, but true diving balaclavas with helmets with an attached visor. 30 to 35 knots of wind, and the bridge turns into a waterfall. 25, 28, 30, 32 knots: the speedometer goes up relentlessly.
One can only guess what the digital instruments are reading while the boat attacks another wave! We don't know anymore, is it better to surf it or to go through it? In one of these waves, doing over 30 knots, the bow pulpit (that stainless steel tube structure) did not resist the encounter between the boat's speed and the sea water resistance. It ended up completely bent.
In this specific wave I had totally eased the spinnaker to alleviate the pressure on the mast. At the wheel, constantly doing close to 25 knots, with small decreases to 20 knots, the accelerations are enormous. The amplitudes to turn the wheel have to be very brief: any rotation is amplified by speed.
At these speeds we never use more than half a turn of the wheel,compared to its entire perimeter in normal conditions. The key momentis the change of the Helmsman. "All sails up" means you have to get into the rhythm in a split second in the black and referenceless night."
Hmm, contrary to many expectation maybe this Volvo race thing is going to be a pretty good show...
"Heh-heh. Nice work, Bouwe. Now let's call Bob Miller up and suggest that Mari-Cha will make a hell of a planter..."
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 7:27 AM
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Wetass Video Of The Week...
Desk chair too hard? View lousy in your cubicle? Boss on your ass for not keeping track of paper clip inventory? Then kick back and do a little Hobie Tiger sailing. And not just any sailing, world championship sailing. All courtesy of an inspired competitor who thought to wear a head cam so all the deskbound losers in the world could fantasize for a minute or two (even the soundtrack--for once--is great). So clip onto the trapeze and click here. Incredibly relaxing, and mesmerizing...
"Sh*t! Of all the boats to foul while we're on port tack, we have to foul that idiot with the head cam..."
(Photo: Sharon Green)
"Sh*t! Of all the boats to foul while we're on port tack, we have to foul that idiot with the head cam..."
(Photo: Sharon Green)
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 7:32 AM
Annals Of Achievement: Maud Made It....
This is old(ish) news, seeing as it happened March 27 while I was taking my ease on the island of Culebra, but it definitely bears noting: on that day intrepid, indomitable, Quixotic, eccentric French ocean rower Maud Fontenoy hit "terre" in Tahiti, completing the first Pacific crossing by a woman. The numbers? 6898 klics (TWC refuses to do mileage conversions anymore, it's time to join the rest of the world. Okay, I'm too lazy...) in a blazing fast 72 days. That makes Mad Maud the first woman to row both the Atlantic and the Pacific. What's next? She'll want to eat some steak frites and buy a new IPod. But it's obvious that the Indian Ocean awaits...
Maud Finds Tahiti: "I'm buffed, bronzed and bra-less. Wonder if I'll get any decent dates while I'm here..."
"That was fast..."
Maud Finds Tahiti: "I'm buffed, bronzed and bra-less. Wonder if I'll get any decent dates while I'm here..."
"That was fast..."
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 7:05 AM
The Pope Was A Wetass...
Who knew? You'd think that somewhere in the millions of words and images eulogizing good ol' JP II that some enterprising reporter, some blow-dried TV correspondent with an eye for something more than the thoroughly predictable, would have come up with this critical nugget of biographical information. But no. Once again it is the much maligned Blogs (referred to as a "circle-jerk by a bunch of guys in pajamas" (or something to that effect) by a honcho at CNN who obviously had a very interesting adolescence), that produced the goods. In this case, it was the ever-interesting Horse's Mouth, who came up with the photos of a much younger Karel Wojtyla dipping his paddle. Check it...
"And it was over here that I saw a bass that had a face like the Virgin Mary..."
"Damn, if all this praying ever takes me anywhere, I might have to give all this up..."
"And it was over here that I saw a bass that had a face like the Virgin Mary..."
"Damn, if all this praying ever takes me anywhere, I might have to give all this up..."
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 6:36 AM
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
The Wetass Life: Sam Davies...
British sailor Sam Davies is doing alright. She's got sponsorship from Skandia, and she's a thoroughbred in Ellen's Offshore Challenges stable. And right now she's racing solo across the Atlantic from St. Nazaire in France to Cienfuegos in Cuba. The race is called the Trophee BPE, and it's a novel 4,265 mile track. The twelve skippers set sail on Sunday, and TWC will be following Sam, who is the only Anglo and one of two women in the race. Right now she's in 5th, about a dozen miles from race leader Jeanne Gregoire (the other dame). Sam's site can be found here, and it's got all the usual Offshore Challenges bells and whistles, like an extensive photo gallery and an audio/visual page. The breeze is picking up now, but here's Sam's report after a slow night:
How do you manage to sleep in these light winds?
"It's difficult to sleep in these conditions - spinnaker, genoa, tack, tack, jibe - tacking everything but the opposite way in the boat and every few minute the wind shifts around."
When do you expect to see more breeze?
"I can see some horrible looking clouds ahead which hopefully will signify the beginning of the shift and the change to the north - but at the moment it is an Easterly which is not what was forecasted."
How was your first night of freeze dried food?
"It wasn't freeze dried, it was fresh pasta. Fresh pasta lasts for ages! I haven't eaten very much so i think I've got enough for at least another 2 nights which is pretty good. For lunch I've got carrot salad and tomatoes, fresh aswell so I'm benefitting from the fresh food. It's very important to be happy especially when it's like this - when everythings pretty stressful and the sails are flapping around and there's nothing you can do to make the boat go any faster. It's good to make sure you're happy and I'm happy so that's good"
Yes, it's good to be happy...and racing...and headed toward a tropical isle...
Delirious Davies: "Of course I'm happy. This is really gin..."
How do you manage to sleep in these light winds?
"It's difficult to sleep in these conditions - spinnaker, genoa, tack, tack, jibe - tacking everything but the opposite way in the boat and every few minute the wind shifts around."
When do you expect to see more breeze?
"I can see some horrible looking clouds ahead which hopefully will signify the beginning of the shift and the change to the north - but at the moment it is an Easterly which is not what was forecasted."
How was your first night of freeze dried food?
"It wasn't freeze dried, it was fresh pasta. Fresh pasta lasts for ages! I haven't eaten very much so i think I've got enough for at least another 2 nights which is pretty good. For lunch I've got carrot salad and tomatoes, fresh aswell so I'm benefitting from the fresh food. It's very important to be happy especially when it's like this - when everythings pretty stressful and the sails are flapping around and there's nothing you can do to make the boat go any faster. It's good to make sure you're happy and I'm happy so that's good"
Yes, it's good to be happy...and racing...and headed toward a tropical isle...
Delirious Davies: "Of course I'm happy. This is really gin..."
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 10:27 AM
Sailboats Are Made For Sailing...
Not surfing. I repeat: not surfing. But that didn't stop this unfortunate skipper from testing the cutback capabilities of his little sloop in the white water under San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge. The result is an unbelievable sequence of pictures, snapped by a guy named Wayne Lambright (who normally writes restaurant reviews). Here's Lambright's brief description of the action: "I was at Fort Point today, finishing up an eleven part photo essay on the surfers of San Francisco, and then I saw this sailboat, I said to the crowd, "LOOK, this sailboat is going to surf the waves!" Then it capsized, The surfers came to the rescue, and saved the two sailors." I've posted a few of Lambright's key photos below, but if you have the time (and the stomach), check out Wayne's whopping 113 image slide show, which documents both the disaster and the rescue (thanks to reader Scott Dreier for making sure I didn't miss this in my post-Caribbean rum punch haze)...
Posted by Tim Zimmermann @ 9:55 AM
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